Each Friday, Scott Muska will be blurbing some important information for Funny Moms, so you can quickly and easily stay up to speed on all the stuff that’s happening in the world of pop culture.
Parents are busy.
It’s not like you have time to surf the Internet all day, reading about pop culture and current events, you know, between having to keep your small humans alive and all.
But Scott does. He’s childless and a freelance writer, which means he spends most of his day in front of his laptop skimming the most pertinent information the Internet has to offer. (He spends the rest of his day staring at a blank page and a blinking cursor, sometimes weeping.)
The following stories caught his attention this week:
Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling found himself on the receiving end of a lifetime NBA ban this week. Why? Because he is racist. How do we know? Well, it’s been known really for a long time that Sterling doesn’t dig black people (despite the fact he owns a team that is comprised mostly of black people who could tear his head off without even really trying), but earlier in the week his ex-girlfriend (who is, oddly enough, half black) released to TMZ a recording of pillow talk between herself and Sterling. On the recording, Sterling says a bunch of crazy shit, including that he would rather have his girlfriend fuck black people than bring them to Clippers games or otherwise associate with them in public. This is fucked up, sure, but if you’re out at the park with all the other moms this week and you want to get them really going, try to turn the conversation away from racism and toward the topic of invasion of privacy. I mean, think about if your husband recorded all the fucked-up shit you say at night before the two of you hit the hay. Not very comforting, is it?
George Clooney got engaged. This is surprising in and of itself, but what really surprises me is that she’s not some young ass model, but a very successful international lawyer. I can almost hear my mom crying from 500 miles away. But don’t worry, mom! This almost definitely won’t last.
Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is finally going to rehab. This after another video of Ford smoking a crack pipe surfaced on the Internet. This news brings me one step closer to being able to prove my theory that crack was invented by the American government to bring Toronto to its knees. I’ve never smoked crack before, but if I ever decide to try it I’ll do what I can to make sure nobody is videotaping it.
Florida State quarterback, baseball player and reining Heisman winner Jameis Winston was busted this week for stealing crab legs from a Publix grocery store. Just crab legs. Nothing else. I bet he was caught because a store employee…smelled something fishy. (NAILED IT!)
Big Sean is a national hero. He may be the man who finally drives Glee into the fucking ground, five years after it should have been canceled. The rapper and actress Naya Rivera recently ended their engagement, and reports this week maintain it is because Big Sean was fucking Lea Michele, Rivera’s Glee costar and widely renowned see-you-next-Tuesday. It was also reported that Rivera has been axed from the show. Glee is like one more sex scandal and another drug overdose away from having no cast at all.
We’ve got Kurt Cobain news, people. Big news. The Seattle Police Department this week released a letter found in Cobain’s wallet at the time of his 1994 death that was allegedly a suicide. Conspiracy theorists have long maintained that Cobain didn’t kill himself, and that his wife Courtney Love did it. The undated note starts by imitating modern wedding vows: “Do you Kurt Cobain take Courtney Michelle Love to be your lawful shredded wife…even when she’s a bitch with zits and siphoning all yr [sic] money for doping and whoring.” The note is said to match the handwriting of Cobain’s suicide note. So yeah. I think we can all agree that Love did it and that she also killed Elliott Smith and habitually clubs baby seals while high on smack.