Parents are busy.
It’s not like you have time to surf the Internet all day, reading about pop culture and current events, you know, between having to keep your small humans alive and all.
But Scott does. He’s childless and a freelance writer, which means he spends most of his day in front of his laptop skimming the most pertinent information the Internet has to offer. (He spends the rest of his day staring at a blank page and a blinking cursor, sometimes weeping.)
Each Friday, he’ll be blurbing some important information for Funny Moms, so you can quickly and easily stay up to speed on all the stuff that’s happening in the world of pop culture in an effort to provide you with weekend play date fodder and whatever other opportunities for adult interaction you may encounter.
This week, 35-year-old James Franco made headlines for (as usual) something other than his acting career when it was revealed he hit on a 17-year-old girl from Scotland. The two met when Franco was doing a signing for his Broadway production of Of Mice and Men, and progressed to a slightly awkward flirtation via Instagram and eventually, text message. The Yale PhD student has copped to flirting with the 17-year-old, stating that “social media is tricky.” I’m sure this is in no way another publicity stunt that he’s trying to pass off as “art,” because that’s kind of his thing, and we should all take him at his word and just ignore the striking similarities to his newest film Palo Alto.
Nickelodeon is probably going to cancel Sam & Cat, mostly because racy, nearly-nude photographs of 21-year-old show star Jenette McCurdy have been making the Internet rounds. The network will tell you there are many other reasons and that the sexy selfies have nothing to do with it, but they will be lying.
Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are on the cover of Vogue this month. Apparently this is a big deal because until recently Vogue “Head Bitch In Charge:” Anna Wintour disliked Kardashian. (I hate myself for having written the previous two sentences.)
JK Rowling is returning to the Harry Potter universe. She announced this week that she would be writing the scripts for a trilogy of movies based on the fictional textbook she released for Hogwarts students in 2001 called Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them. I’m not going to lie to you—this gives me a nerd boner. Rowling should write exclusively in the Harry Potter universe. I would read it all. Even if it was an oral history of Severus Snape’s sex life. Actually, especially if it was.
Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin have separated, saying that they’ve done something called “conscious uncoupling.” The gist is that back in the day when marriage first became a thing, people only lived to be like 17-years-old, not 87. Apparently you change over time and can become less compatible with your mate, and so “conscious uncoupling (which by the way must be said in your mind with a Madonna fake British accent) helps couples confront irreconcilable differences by acknowledging their own individual issues instead of blaming their partners. Issues like you’re a whore who can’t cop to the fact that you’ve consciously and repeatedly cheated on your husband singer from Coldplay, who for his part has been nailing groupy cooze for ages – likely both consciously and unconsciously. The uncoupled couple has two children.
Speaking of children, Mila Kunis is pregnant with Asshton Kutcher’s love child. Kelso and Jackie are going to have a kid together. This seems important for some reason. Also kind of sad, as pretty much the universe would agree that she is stunningly beautiful and he is a stunningly, well a douchebag. I can’t decide what is more deplorable, cheating on his last wife or PUNK’D. I’ll get back to you on that one.
Watch out Bigfoot, you’re next. Coming to us from Texas (wait, what? Not Florida?), it appears that the not so mythical creature – el chupacabra, who is known for sucking the blood out of goats and the occasional human, has been caught. AND EUTHANIZED!! (Oh, now Texas makes more sense.) PETA was reportedly upset that the “animal” was being caged and not receiving proper medical treatment and nourishment…of HUMAN BLOOD. I guess putting “Chupie” to sleep was one way to address PETA’s concerns.
And finally, if you’re looking for something fun to do with the significant other this weekend, have some sex. Wait, I’m not done. Have some sex, and then take a post-coital selfie. Then post the post-coital selfie to Instagram with the hashtag #aftersex. This has become a trend recently, basically because the Internet is a goddamn fucking playground of nonsense. I took one of myself and my left hand yesterday, only to find out that about three million dudes had already thought of the exact same joke. Sigh.