Most women ask themselves a very important question at some point in their 30’s. Or if they’re a real uppity eager beaver, they posit this question while in their 20’s, likely while smiling at themselves in a mirror, pleased at the reflection of their keenly pressed business suit or their clownish diamond ring— oh yes, we’re all really blown away by your perfect life, Kathleen!
As you’ve probably guessed, I’m talking about that lame, dumb question regarding the career, the relationship, the kids and the social life: “can I have it all?”
To be honest, this very important women-only question terrifies me. Mostly because, like a majority of women, it’s completely irrational and borderline insane. Plus, even giving it consideration requires some semblance of life planning skills and a heaping helping of joie de vivre—and I have no idea where to even begin with either of those subjects. Also I’m uncertain how to pronounce the latter.
The bigger question is why would you ever desire to have it all? “Having it all” means getting up early every fucking day, waxing often, experiencing stubborn, unsatisfying shits due to an overcrowded schedule and pretending your relationship is fine even when your partner makes that dismissive “hm” sound instead of just agreeing with your assessment of your newest coworker.
No thanks, I definitely do not want it all, so for the time being, at least, kids will be left out of the unsolvable balancing it all equation.
But while mulling over this topic, my mind drifted to a much more tangible, yet peripherally-related question: what would I eat, if I were expecting?
To put it simply, I think I would eat a whole fucking lot.
Because when it comes to food, there’s no doubt that I want it all. I want the breakfast, the brunch, the lunch, the linner, the dinner, the 6th, 7th and 8th meal, plus a midnight snack to quell the bad dreams starring my waking nightmare.
And with my Scottish-German genetics, I’m confident that I could grow wide and thick enough to accommodate it all.
But alas, I don’t have a reason to be porking up, as I do not have a human being renting out my womb and I have yet to entirely give up on life. Thus, my dreams of eating everything—preferably while wearing a stack of bibs as I spoon and fork selections from a heavenly buffet choo-chooing around my dining table on a track (alternating with a mobile vomitorium to keep the train a-chugging)—shall remain decidedly in the realm of fantasy.
It should be noted that in said fantasy, I’m growing octuplets and my cravings are insatiable. So in honor of the imaginary blessed set of eight growing inside me, I’ve named each of this week’s tweet selections after the food items dancing around in my flight of fancy. Please follow each of these amusing tweeters and check back each week for a new installment of funny tweets.
1. A sleeve of fried Oreos—lay off, I’m baking 8 miracles!
When you’re married with kids, “Afternoon Delight” means going home in the middle of the day to an empty house for an unmolested shit.
— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) May 1, 2014
2. A gallon of eggnog, which is not exactly the easiest thing to come by in May.
How long do I wait to propose to the woman taking her birth control pill in this Five Guys? — Damian Chadwick (@damianchadwick) April 30, 2014
3. A dozen cream puffs topped with chocolate ganache—I say a prayer before eating each one.
“Fuck it, I’m going to McDonald’s instead.” – Live Tweeting My 5K
— Jewy Jewerstein (@Jewerstein) April 28, 2014
4. Lasagna prepared by the Italian mama I wish I had.
Go back to bed, sweetie. Mommy was just giving a special hug to this cheesecake. You saw nothing. Go back to bed. — Tiffany (@Leggalicious) April 29, 2014
5. Dirt from a nearby park—I must be lacking zinc in my diet.
Hot, black coffee pix should replace dick pix before 8am central/standard time.
— ~Anna~ (@tayandmae) April 28, 2014
6. A vat of gin and tonic, as I want to forget about what is happening to my innards.
It’s bath night, AKA I can smell both my kids’ assholes through their pants, from across the room. — btemps (@btemps) May 2, 2014
7. Super adorable, still hot from the oven cornbread muffins and an endless supply of butter pats.
If you start your sentence with, “As a woman…” I’m not going to listen to the rest of it.
— Susie Meister (@susie_meister) April 28, 2014
8. A swimming pool filled with macaroni and cheese, on account of my white trash roots.
An honest toy commercial would just be 30 seconds of kids making things kiss. — Mike Leffingwell (@mikeleffingwell) May 1, 2014
9. Dried and roasted seaweed. Just kidding, pot brownies, because the events taking place in my womb are trippy, man.
Just once I’d like to be as wet as Forest Whitaker’s left eye
— Paige (@PeachCoffin) April 30, 2014
10. For dessert, I gulp down all of the vaccines refused by anti-vaxxer parents.
I forgot why I started slowly poisoning my husband. — Jocelyn Plums (@FilthyRichmond) April 25, 2014
My husband is whispering ‘death, death, death’ in my ear at this school function. Tardy Mom™ (@JennyPentland) May 2, 2014
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