It’s a tale as old as time.
Guy enjoys sailing. Guy introduces sailing to his girlfriend. Couple gets married. Couple sails less and less. Husband puts his dreams of sailing around the world on hold, in favor of an adventure of different kind: creating a family.
A baby pops out, it’s a girl and they name her Cora. Husband misses sailing. Another baby crowns, this one is called Lyra. The husband’s sailing dreams just won’t die though. Husband pleads with his wife to sail around the world with him, because “I’m not happy with this suburban life we’re living. It’s dull. I need an adventure. Our kids (who won’t remember one second of this selfish trip I’m proposing) need an adventure.”
Wife grabs her husband by the ears and reasons, “You want an adventure? You have an adventure right here: we have two babies, you fuckstick! What are you talking about? Are you insane? Lyra is a helpless infant! Is this some kind of stupid mid-life crisis? Listen, you had better pull your shit together right this minute, because I’m not doing this child-rearing thing alone, you selfish twat!”
Husband retreats to den, cries probably. Wife changes her infant’s crap-filled diaper and wipes Gerber’s Chicken Orzo Zucchini Dinner from the mouth of her almost-toddler. Wife daydreams of cleaning crap-filled clothing and wiping pureed nightmares from her children’s faces while… sitting on the deck of a sun-bleached, 36-foot sailboat in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.
Wife runs into den and exclaims to husband, “Let’s do this!”
Yea, that story didn’t turn out the way I thought it would either. It takes an unexpected and unnatural turn at the end. But hey, it’s real life and you just can’t make this shit up.
Tragically Eric and Charlotte Kaufman’s plans (let’s be honest here, it was mostly Eric’s idea) to sail around the world with their two children under the age of four came to a dramatic end Sunday. That was when their boat broke down and their youngest daughter ruined everything by getting sick while at sea – something only an amateur adventurer would do.
The rescue was a big to-do. The Coast Guard was summoned by satellite phone. Members of the California Air National Guard parachuted into the water and swam to the family’s sailboat in the middle of the bloody night to stabilize Lyra. Finally, once everyone was safe on the USS Vandegrift the next morning, authorities sunk the Kaufmans’ boat, “Rebel Heart” – sprinkling even more goddamned garbage into the Pacific Ocean.
The Kaufmans are just two adults who made a piss-poor decision to take two other humans – tiny ones, who had no say in the matter and would not benefit one iota from said decision – out into the middle of the ocean to selfishly abandon the domestic life that they designed in the first place.
They weren’t escaping Cuba for Florida in search of a better life. They weren’t a group of ancient Polynesians in an outrigger canoe looking for a new island after a volcano destroyed their homeland. They weren’t clinging to a life raft after their cruise ship capsized, or their plane glided to a perfect landing on the ocean’s surface.
Nope, they were just two smug assholes on a mission to prove themselves better than everyone else in their lives by climbing aboard a boat they named “Rebel Heart.”
And us? We can find joy in knowing that the sailing dreams of these broken hearted rebels are at least temporarily dead, that their mission failed, and their tiny, innocent children are back on dry land, ignoring for the time being, that we were the ones who footed the bill.
Latest posts by Jenny Mcilroy (see all)
- A Modern Day Hero - September 8, 2016
- Asshole Kid - September 7, 2016
- “You Guys Fail in The Normal World Degree”: A Daughter’s Critique of Her Dumb Parents — Funny Tweets for August 26th – September 1st - August 31, 2016