Parenting is a real Journe. Or is it, Journee? No, Journei. Or maybe, Journi? How about, Journie? Journiee? Journii? Journye? Wait, it just came to me: Journey.
Phonetically-similar, yet confusing alternatives aside, what I mean to say is that parenting is a journey filled with joy, success, misery, failure, nonstop wiping up of bodily fluids, depression, aggravation, stepping on Legos, drinking, laughing, crying, yelling, slamming bedroom doors and questioning your ability to make decent decisions while staring into the chlorinated aether of the Great Wolf Lodge’s indoor water park as your children have the time of their lives—gleefully splashing among SWUBA’s fresh fecal flakes—as you are forced to take in the view of a Mama June lookalike wearing a bikini. It’s not an easy haul.
While procreation is an action that just about anyone and their mothers are capable of performing, parenting is a commitment made only by the fittest. It’s a wild ride that is never done perfectly, but oftentimes completed to a “Hey, he has never killed anyone…That we know of” degree—which is really all we can ever truly hope for. One of the initial, crucial responsibilities of the adventure is christening your journey with a thought-out, high-quality name—one that is fit to carry your little miracle from the cradle to the grave—may I interest you in the name Journey, perhaps?
Naming a baby is a vital task filled with unexpected cultural and personal considerations (our own Brandon Leftridge humorously documented his struggles with the naming process earlier this year). The difficult job of coming up with a name for your little munchkin that doesn’t totally suck, leads one to wonder how—after exhaustive parental scrutiny of all other viable options—everyone isn’t named “Frank.” In lieu of the tried and true standards, many parents end up choosing idiotic names for their bundles of joy in an effort to appear unique. Maybe the pain of childbirth boiled mom’s brain. Or perhaps daddy didn’t graduate from junior high. Or, as is more often the situation, mom and dad met through a pen-pal exchange—naive high school student, meet hardened federal prisoner.
Whatever the case may be, many babies are given unforgivable names every year in a narcissistic effort to stand out. And thanks to The Social Security Administration, assholes (us) can download a gigantic list of said names that we can peruse, then laugh and judge and laugh and judge and laugh at what human parents have chosen to name their human babies. There are even websites and books devoted to documenting our spiral into naming imbecility.
For example, in the year 2013, ten babies were given the name Anaily. Journiee makes an appearance on the list nine times. Jizzelle shows up seven times. And you can rest easy knowing that there are new lives crawling around right now called Tuba (5 babies), Gypsy (12 babies), Dragon (10 babies) and Rarity (7 babies).
That is correct, in 2031, seven Americans named Rarity—who are just seven human beings out of countless millions throughout the eons—will be legal adults. That is, if they make it to adulthood. Some of the names on the list seem to set the new lives up with a mighty high hurdle to clear. Take the surprising number of names that begin with “Jail-:” Jaila, Jailah, Jailan, Jailani, Jailee, Jaileen, Jaileigh, Jailen, Jailene, Jailey, Jailia, Jailin, Jailon, Jailyn, Jailynn and Jailynne.
Not to mention all of the names related to guns: Beretta, Gunner, Remington, Remmington and Ruger.
Then there are the wild alternative spellings of famous names.
Assassinated president of the United States of America, John F. Kennedy: Kennadee, Kennadi, Kennadie, Kennidee, Kennidi, Kennidy, Kynedi, Kynnadi, Kynnedi and Kynnedy.
Assassinated president of the United States of America, William McKinley: Mackinlee, Mckynleigh, Mckynley and Mckynlie. Great fur trader, Sir Alexander Mackenzie: Mackenzee, Mackenzey, Mackenzi, Mackenzy, Mackenzye, Mackinsey, Mackynzi, Mackynzie, Makensey, Makensie, Makenzee, Makenzey, Makenzi, Makenzie, Makenzy, Makenzye, Makinsey, Makinze, Makinzee, Makinzi, Makinzie, Makinzy, Makynzee, Makynzi, Makynzie, Mckennzie, Mckensey, Mckensie, Mckenzee, Mckenzey, Mckenzi, Mckenzie, Mckenzie, Mckenziee, Mckenzy, Mckenzye, Mckinsey, Mckinzee, Mckinzey, Mckinzie, Mckinzy, Mckynzee, Mckynzi, Mckynzie and Meckenzie.
And bizarrely, some parents either replace or add a “Z” to the front of a normal name for a real sweet-ass effect that will lead to a lifetime of puzzled looks from potential employers: Zanthony, Zathan, Zamantha, Zofia and Zerek.
While other parents—the ones who have realistic expectations for their children—opt for names that scream, “future-stripper:” Dynastee, Paradise, Heiress, Parys and Kleopatra.
And we can’t forget about the names that have extra letters for absolutely no reason at all: Noaah, Beautifull, Londonn and Maddoxx, just to name a few.
Look, until we have a Naming Committee like Iceland, we are just going to have to deal with creative variations of Kinzlee, Paislea, Trinitie, Libertee, Chesni, Dylynn and Kaedynce. So in honor of the unconscionable names that parents have bestowed on their innocent offspring, each of this week’s tweet selections have been assigned a wacky, yet perfectly legal name.
Please follow each of these hilarious tweeters and check back each week for a new installment of funny tweets.
1. Navaeh—which, of course, is “heavan” spelled backwards for 75 babies:
Don't run Don't smoke Don't hold kids underwater Don't rub nacho cheese there put your top back on. Blah blah blah. So many water park rules
— ~Anna~ (@tayandmae) July 9, 2014
2. Pheonix—close, but not quite for 25 babies:
Imagine me walking away from you Wrong! More jiggling
— Hottass McMuffin (@McKnightyBoo) July 8, 2014
3. Lundynn—14 innocent children will spend a lifetime correcting everyone’s first guess:
Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass… It's about learning to dance in the rain. I'm just kidding. Jesus, what awful advice.
— Chris Scott (@iamchrisscott) July 7, 2014
4. Lyrica—19 families are die-hard fans of a Fibromyalgia medication:
"Bidet" is a pretty fancy word for "ass-washer."
— Emilio Rossal (@EmilioRossal) July 6, 2014
5. Bayleen—there are five children named after a whale’s kreel filtration process:
" Girlfriend " is Latin for " Migraine "
— J (@Its_Baldylockz) July 4, 2014
6. Nivea—in 2013, 29 babies were named after their daddy’s favorite jerking lotion:
Of course I work out, you see the sequined dragon on my jeans don't you?
— Heath (@DaHess1) July 6, 2014
7. Heinz—five families took a gamble in the hopes of a Heinz Company sponsorship:
Parenting is easy I just threw some plastic bags in an old fridge and my nephew's been in there playing with them for hours
— Dan Duvall (@lazerdoov) July 5, 2014
8. Brita—There are 13 children named after a water filtration system that you can purchase on target.com for $19.99 while wearing only your underwear:
If you lose me at a party, I've found the hosts' cat and I'm feeding it a packet of tuna I stole from their pantry.
— Luke Sanderson (@lucaspsanderson) July 5, 2014
9. Forever—six children were born in 2013 who have no idea they will die way before forever:
My dream job would probably be a Stay at Home Mom. But only if I didn't have to get married or have any kids.
— bubble girl (@JessObsess) July 3, 2014
10. Amunique—Sadly, nine babies must now go through life with this albatross:
“Here comes the airplane,” I croon to my hungry baby. Onboard the spoon, 180 passengers scream in terror. They will not see another sunrise.
— Chris Worthington (@SomeChrisTweets) July 6, 2014
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