This summer I watched a bunch of men compete for a woman named Emily Maynard’s heart (or something) on the reality TV show “The Bachelorette.” I’d never seen it, or its male-starring doppelganger “The Bachelor,” until I was assigned to write a weekly recap of it because my editors were looking for a take from a male who had never seen the show.
It was terrible viewing, but I found myself wishing I was in Emily’s position, except reversed. Not because I think going on a show like this would be a legit way for me to find the love of my life (because it’s almost definitely not), but because there is no other way, unless you’re rich/famous, to have 20 or so at least decent-looking women trying their best to ransack your knickers.
We all like to be wanted.
Eventually, I found out I could apply to be on “The Bachelor.” Here’s the questionnaire portion of my application.
Do you have a nickname?
Scooter; Scotty; Moose; Musky; Muskrat; and Big-Dicked Bandit. (That last one was a joke. I don’t steal things from people.)
New York City. And then wherever my one true love takes me! If it’s Tulsa or something I’m going to be really fucking pissed.
How did you hear about our search:
Television. How else would I hear about your search? I was watching The Bachelorettebecause a few months ago I didn’t feel like Mondays were depressing enough for me.
Working full time.
Less than most of the dudes you put on this show, I suspect. But I can easily make a lot more money by selling some of my Magic: The Gathering cards, my semen, and also by stealing money from my little sister’s purse, if I can find out where she started hiding it after she discovered I was stealing from it to buy Magic cards.
November 6, 1987
6’2”/200 lbs. (of twisted steel and sex appeal.)
Brown, while it lasts.
Christian Grey, and I don’t know if this matters but one of my pupils dilates differently than the other. Exotic, right?
What is your highest level of education?
Penn State. And I know what you’re thinking – go ahead and get it out of your system please. Make a Sandusky joke because you’d definitely be the first to do so and I should totally be associated with some terrible pedophile and a bunch of other powerful people who abetted his actions. Because I was totally aware all of that happened while I was a student there. And jokes about child molestation are just the greatest way to coax laughs from respectable people.
Are you a legal resident of the United States?
Last night I drank a dozen 16-ounce PBR’s. Upon finishing each one, I crushed the can on my forehead and then threw it as hard as I could at a photograph of Bin Laden.
I stumbled out of the bar where I met my pet bald eagle, Constitutional Independence Washington, who I rode home.
I fell into a peaceful slumber on my bed with the Bill of Rights embroidered on my comforter and a headboard made of shotguns while “America, The Beautiful” played on repeat.
Also, I was born in America and have never lived anywhere else.
Where did you grow up?
Saxonburg, Pennsylvania, home of John Roebling, the guy who built the Brooklyn Bridge and also died of lockjaw. I mention this because we are distant relatives, so I like to think I have brawn and a tiny amount of tetanus running through my veins, which I’m told is good for warding off venereal diseases.
Have you ever been arrested, charged or convicted of a crime of any type?
One time I got busted for drinking Wild Turkey at a concert when I was underage. I got cited for it, but it was eventually knocked down to a disorderly conduct. It should be noted that I was representing myself at the time the plea bargain was negotiated. It should not, however, under any circumstances, be noted that this incident occurred at a Fall Out Boy concert.
Have you ever had a temporary restraining order issued against you?
No way. I commit all my borderline illegal stalking actions online, so the girls are rarely even aware. If they start telling people how many times an individual browses one’s Facebook pictures, well, then things will change rapidly. Fingers crossed that won’t happen before the next season!
Have you ever filed for bankruptcy or chapter 11?
No, but only because last year my family and friends talked me out of buying a sloth and a 30-minute car ride with Vin Diesel and Paul Walker.
Have you ever been a performer, participant or contestant on television, radio or in film?
In 10th grade I played some scrub minutes during the Western Pennsylvania Interscholastic Athletic League’s basketball championship when my high school was getting blown out. I made a silky smooth mid-range jumper, but also turned it over like a pancake chef.
Do you drink alcoholic beverages?
See the United States resident question. Also, the question about whether I’ve been arrested before.
Have you ever been married?
Nope. But I did have a girlfriend for six months once.
Do you have any children?
I really, really hope not.
Are you genuinely looking to get married?
What do you think I’m trying to be on “The Bachelor” for? Because I want to become famous and bang a bunch of fame-seeking whores who just want to be on television? I’m insulted by this question. Of course I want to get married. MY MOTIVATIONS ARE PURE.
Please describe your ideal mate in terms of physical attraction and in terms of personality attraction.
Ideal? Well, a woman who is physically beautiful in every way and can make sushi rolls and bottles of scotch appear just by rubbing her breasts in my face and saying, “You are nice, you are smart, you are important.”
How many serious relationships have you been in?
It depends on your definition of serious, but not many. And when they end, I take it irrationally hard. If you said I’ve spent more cumulative time in the past four years listening to Bright Eyes songs while binge drinking boxed wine than I have spent in the same bed as a woman, I would not dispute your statement. (Possible spinoff potential for when I pick a woman and it inevitably does not work out? And I have to rebuild myself emotionally? We could call it “The Phoenix,” maybe, because I’m rising from the ashes of a failed relationship! Alternate title: “The Big-Dicked Bandit Rides Again.”)
What happened to end those relationships?
We get one pass, right? Okay, pass.
What are your hobbies?
I like to read and write.
Shit. I just disqualified myself with that previous sentence, didn’t I?
What is the unique talent of which you are most proud?
I can urinate more often in 24 hours than anyone else I have ever met, and I’ve never misspelled “definitely.”
What accomplishment are you most proud of?
One time I was responsible for the majority of a female high school volleyball team contracting mono. (I only kissed one of them, but still; I’ve affected lives.)
Why would you be a great husband?
Because I will let a woman walk all over me, probably forever.
Why are you America’s Most Eligible Bachelor?
I’m probably not, but I don’t think you’re going to get Derek Jeter to come on your show.