Fuck yes, it’s Mother’s Day!
It’s finally that glorious day when moms get to eat rubbery, misshapen pancakes in bed and beam with something they hope reads as joy when their kids present them with the sticky disasters they’ve created from construction paper cut-outs and macaroni. And for some lucky moms, it may be the day that they quietly cry while slumped in their closets, on account of their idiot husbands who’ve purchased kitchen gadgets or “really cool” vacuum attachments as “gifts.”
But more importantly, it’s the day that we all must turn our attention to the mother of all mothers, Michelle Duggar from 19 Kids and Counting.
Since Mama Duggar clearly has this momming stuff figured out, I thought that we should investigate her methods and learn from the master…Or mistress? No, that doesn’t sound correct. Maybe, “proficient splooge churner?”:
1. Her patented “the-lights-are-on-but-ain’t-nobody-home,” dead-eyed approach to baby-making allows her to continually poop out infants without feeling a thing—emotionally or physically. This gives her the ability to live in a house with 19 goddamned children and lie still while Jim Bob climbs on top to whip up the batter for baby number 20.
2. Speaking of Jim Bob climbing aboard the USS Michelle, the Duggar family have a “buddy system” in place, which means that they assign the care of each new miracle to an older kid whose miracle status has been downgraded. This frees up plenty of time—that would have unnecessarily been spent changing diapers and parenting—for a whole lot of unprotected, utilitarian fucking.
3. Mama Duggar has mastered a no-hassle, starts-with-“J” naming process, which wholeheartedly laughs in the face of all the expectant parents who spend time brainstorming just the right name with which to christen their baby.
4. The most crucial momming lesson we can take away from Mama Duggar is her ability to profit off her children. When she hears that back-up beeper on the TLC-couriered Brink’s truck in her driveway, she experiences a super horny Pavlovian response that Jim Bob often mistakes for her water breaking once again. Of course, sometimes his instinct is correct, however it usually turns out that she just creamed her denim dress again thinking of all the sweet, sweet reality show cash she’s about to cradle. It’s clear that she has perfected the art of pimping out her 19 healthy children, but a professional like Mama Duggar knows not to stop at her fully-formed creations—yep, she has even whored out her miscarriage. Get that money, bitch!
So in honor of the queen of all mothers, I have named each of this week’s funny tweet selections after the Duggar’s-to-be—the ones who are but an unfertilized egg screaming, “Please not me! No! No!” in Mama Duggar’s ovaries. Please follow each of these amusing tweeters and check back each week for a new installment of funny tweets.
I just saved 15% or more on disappointment by not getting my mother anything for Mother's Day!!!
— Nathan (@stockejock) May 7, 2014
My wife is writing a list of all the shit she wants me to do today. She has a tampon behind her ear. I think she means business.
— btemps (@btemps) May 4, 2014
I know you and your kids are perfect, and I forgot the juice boxes…again.
— Sara (@sara_ashlynn) May 7, 2014
I think it's kind of insulting that no one has ever asked if these are my real boobs or not.
— Jenn (@MadLew) May 10, 2014
There's a "muffin top" and there's what I have which is more of a full bakery with patio seating available for weddings and bar mitzvahs.
— Buck4itt (@buck4itt) May 5, 2014
Statistically speaking, your toddler's favorite stuffed animal is also the one that likely has the most piss on it.
— PoopThoughts (@HFMRide) May 8, 2014
In my house the 5 second rule is how long you need to count to determine if you’ve only farted or if you have shit your pants.
— Dirty Canadian Bitch (@dirtyCDNbitch) May 5, 2014
Just ran for forty-five minutes and then took a dump and now my toilet seat smells like Randy Quaid.
— Kevin Hamilton (@Badaftertaste) May 8, 2014
If you're behind someone at an atm late at night, let them know you're not a threat by giving them a gentle kiss on the neck.
— Robert Borroto (@robert_borroto) May 9, 2014
Thanks for specifying that you have a new baby, parents. Old babies are the worst.
— Susie Meister (@susie_meister) May 6, 2014
Ladies remember to get your mother in law something heartfelt from her son that forgot it's mother's day.
— Oh Susanna (@Just_Oh_Susanna) May 10, 2014
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