I’m childless. Or, to put it more accurately, I’m child-free. As in, until I began to compile tweets for you this week, I had never once had the urge to care for a baby.
Well maybe that’s not entirely true. I just had a flashback to an event that took place a number of years ago while dining with a friend at a burrito joint. As I recall it, my friend made a move toward my plate, threatening to kidnap one of my tortilla chips or maybe it was my side of guacamole (I can’t be certain, as my vision had narrowed at that point). While the rest of the details are a bit fuzzy, I do remember the following: my fork, a swift motion, much more blood than I could’ve ever imagined, and my friend crying, “Why? Why did you stab me, Jenny?”
The answer is simple: a mama bear must protect her cubs.
A similar yet more evolved sensation swept over me this week as I scrolled through Twitter (or “the Twitter,” as Funny Moms’ Katie Levisay refers to it). I started to care deeply for each amusing tweet I read and wanted to keep them safe at all costs. My affections continued to grow stronger with each witty find, until I was sure my heart was going to explode with love.
There is absolutely no denying it; these tweets caused my maternal instinct to bloom. But this time, it did not result in a gnarly stab wound, a police report, or even a tattered friendship.
This love was the real deal, so much so that I have no doubt what I would do if these tweets and I were ever involved in a terrifying, high-speed collision. If my little loves were horrifyingly ejected from their car seats (have you ever tried to buckle tweets in a car seat? Do not judge.), lying crumpled and helpless under an upside-down SUV. I am confident that my maternal instinct would activate, swooping in to unpin them from their certain death with a one-handed chassis lift.
That’s how much I love these tweets.
So in honor of my newly-acquired motherly ways, I’ve given each of these tweet babies a name. I’ll be so proud when they graduate from high school, even if that’s as far as they want to go with their education. Although, I’d really love it if they gave at least a semester at a college a try.
1. Aidyn (the “y” makes it unique.)
The primary purpose of sauces is for the adornment of one’s blouse, yes?
— Paula Pell (@perlapell) April 10, 2014
2. Braydon (duh!)
Your family hasn’t gotten crazier as you’ve gotten older, you’re just better at recognizing toupees and alcoholism.
— Elizabeth Tippet (@eltippy) April 9, 2014
3. Caiden (it looks cool.)
Soaking a toilet plunger in bleach because sometimes even the most routine things take a left turn on you.
— btemps (@btemps) April 9, 2014
4. Eiden (it gets tricky to discern whether I’m yelling for Aidyn or Eiden from the back porch sometimes.)
Reminder: Take Your Daughter to Work Day is for the ugly one.
— Jocelyn Plums (@FilthyRichmond) April 9, 2014
5. Fayden (named after Uncle Faye – don’t ask.)
I’m “none of my friends have a wedding picture as their profile image anymore” years old. — Kristy Sammis (@kristysf) April 10, 2014
6. Gayden (he will open a great bar one day.)
A group of drunk girls in heels is called a “Courtney hurry UP!! We got a cab!!” — Damian Chadwick (@damianchadwick) April 6, 2014
7. Jaydyn (again…duh!)
Good thinking, girls who wear nose studs that look like whiteheads.
— Paul Shirley (@paulthenshirley) April 8, 2014
8. Kaiden (I’ll admit I had forgot about Caiden, when I named Kaiden.)
It’s hard to do fancy yoga poses when your hips and tits are always in the way. #YogaStrapAbrasion
— Alison (@Poor_Ophelia) April 6, 2014
9. Laydyn (This was an “oopsie baby,” so I didn’t put much thought into her name.)
yes, I have a mommy blog. four posts a day about how much i love my mommy.
— Sean Morrow (@snmrrw) April 9, 2014
10. Maiden (I think I just started a trend.)
If you ever start to feel too swell about yourself, remember that you probably wore bootcut jeans at one point.
— Scott Muska (@scottmuska) April 8, 2014
11. Neighden (I like horses.)
…wait a minute….I don’t need therapy! I need chocolate covered raisins!
— Bridey Lee Elliott (@brideylee) April 10, 2014
Please be sure to follow all of these funny people on “The Twitter” and we’ll see you next week for more Funny Moms “Tweets of the Week”
Latest posts by Jenny Mcilroy (see all)
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