Fuck yes, it’s Father’s Day!
It’s finally that glorious day when dads get to kick back and eat gelatinous amalgamations of Bisquick, eggs and water in bed—which subsequently leads to pleasing flashbacks of carefree college days, which consequently produces a sad funk cloud that steamrolls the day’s planned festivities, which culminates in sulking, which devolves into day-drinking, which results in falling asleep in the sun, which ends in blistering sunburns and 3rd-degree hangovers.
As a rare treat on this special day, a decent father is expected to summon his inner-liar—the one that has been sitting dormant since his last wedding anniversary or a foray in the form of a question from his wife as she looked at her self in a mirror or participation in a soul-crushing team building exercise at work—to produce an Academy Award-worthy performance when presented with those wonky footprints in baked salt dough that are intended to function as office decor: “I love it, sweetie! I can’t wait to show everyone at work.”
But more importantly, it’s the day that we must showcase the fathers who are dadding like it’s a sport: lunch bag dads.
Lunch bag dads draw elaborate works of art on their children’s lunch sacks and send them to school to rub their fathers’ love in the faces of kids whose dumb, fuckstick sperm-donors neglected to hang around after boning their moms or whose fathers are too drunk to wipe their alcoholic shits from the toilet seat or whose dads just plain do not “take the time” to draw highly-involved artwork on their kids’ lunch sacks—probably because they have other things to do, like work all fucking day long and make dinner and figure out what’s causing the goddamn computer to shut down spontaneously and maybe take a look at the pipe that is leaking under the sink in the bathroom—“Should we call a plumber?” Mom asks. “No, I can fix it.” Dad insists. “But, remember 2008 when you tried to fix that pipe by the washer and…” “Why do you always bring up that 2008 incident? Yes, I made it worse. We ALL know that. We have known that now for six fucking years, Becky. Jesus fucking Christ, I’m doing the best I can for this family!”
That’s right, with their exceptional attention to detail and devotion to entertaining their children (not to mention their love of the attention they receive on their blogs), lunch bag dads easily show up other great dads. You can check out some quality lunch bag dad work on these Tumblr blogs:
Of course, at some point in their children’s school career, the brown bag designs will draw the unwanted attention of a few kids in the cafeteria who don’t take too kindly to such a display of outright nerdery. Lunch sacks will be destroyed, tears will be shed and the lunch bag dads’ children will plead with their fathers to stop making them the target of the kids who sit at the “popular” table.
But for the time being, way to go, lunch bag dads!
The tweet selections this week are inspired by the men who inserted their condom-less dicks into chicks, left a bunch of semen, saw a positive pregnancy test and didn’t run. So in honor of those men, this week’s theme is new pattern ideas for the father of all Father’s Day gifts: TIES! Please follow each of these amusing tweeters and check back each week for a new installment of funny tweets.
An obese version of the sexy lady mud flap silhouette:
Things my 2YO & 4YO fought over today: - Who gets to be Batman - Which one of them farted louder - Whether or not roosters have penises
— btemps (@btemps) June 15, 2014
Positive pregnancy test strips:
The happiest day in any parent’s life isn’t when a child graduates or gets married. It’s when that kid finally learns to wipe his own butt.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 14, 2014
A tie the exact color of the gunk that builds up in the corner of your neighbor’s mouth while you’re talking to him about the weather:
My wife just yelled "We wipe our butts in this family!" at our 3 yr old. News to me.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) June 14, 2014
For those who like a personalized tie, a copy of a shameful love letter written by the wearer while in high school:
Without Dads there'd be no Coco Puffs for dinner night.
— Marcmywords (@Marcmywords2) June 15, 2014
Big ears, little ears, all kinds of ears as long as they have sprigs of hair growing from them:
The Father's Day card I bought my dad is just The Sports Illustrated Swim Suit Edition.
— Nathan (@stockejock) June 15, 2014
A sea of hands wearing pinky rings:
Forget water-boarding, Gitmo just needs my kids for a few hours, riding around on these trikes with the THAT STUPID HORN I BOUGHT.
— Dad or Alive (@dad_or_alive) June 15, 2014
Noses of all shapes and sizes with tuffs of hair sticking out from the nostrils:
happy fathers' day dads. treat yourself to a new pair of jeans. it's for all of us, really.
— TRexboner (@TRexboner) June 15, 2014
happy fathers day to all three of my baby daddys.
— Roseanne Barr (@therealroseanne) June 16, 2013
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