Do you or someone you love suffer from Mommy Brain?
If it’s you, then you probably can’t read this because you are currently standing in a random room of your house trying to remember what you went in there for in the first place. If it’s someone you love that is afflicted, then you must learn how to detect this disorder at its earliest stages in order to help guide you that person through their personal hell.
Know the Signs of Mommy Brain
The first step in treating any disease is identifying it. Here are some common symptoms of Mommy Brain:
The inflicted person constantly leaves their keys in a locked car, the front door, or the family cat.
- They say their child’s name in a stern voice when referring to you, the pets, the washing machine, or any noun that irritates them or makes them happy.
- To them, it’s always Wednesday. Tuesday and Thursday are unobtainable mysteries. This fog slightly clears over the weekend when they have to be alert to taxi people to soccer practice, but then engulfs them again come Monday morning.
- They become engrossed in menial tasks and slog through a haze of existence, so don’t be surprised to wake up to an eight-foot-tall stack of pancakes and your kids playing Frisbee golf with them in the kitchen.
- Trivial things become earth-shaking events, so don’t judge them too harshly when they truly, deeply give a shit about who wins Dancing with the Stars. Oh, and Channing Tatum might be in the next X-Men movie? SPLOOSH! Fast, furious, prolonged texting and squeals/groans/murmurs of excitement are about to commence!
- Despite their best efforts, they will always forget something: their glasses, one shoe, a bra. They forget their wallet and are stuck at work? Don’t worry, they’ll unearth FiberOne bars buried deep in the car seats or expired yogurts from the company fridge with “Nancy – Don’t Touch on Penalty of Death” written in permanent marker on top.
- You are asked to call their cell phone at least once a day while they frantically run room to room or out to the car to find it before it stops ringing. Hopefully, they’ve lost it in the vicinity, possibly buried deep inside a purse from which not even light can escape.
- They return from the grocery store and realize they forgot to bring home the essentials like bread, milk, or their child. But on the other hand, you now have enough apple cider vinegar to fill an Olympic-sized pool.
Caring For Someone Suffering From Mommy Brain
If someone you love is suffering from Mommy Brain, then here are some simple steps to make their, and probably most importantly your, life more comfortable.
- Offer them red wine.
- Offer them white wine.
- Offer them whatever the hell wine they like.
While this won’t cure Mommy Brain, it will sure make things more tolerable for everyone affected by this debilitating disorder.