Take a break for a couple of minutes, would you? I’ve noticed that you’ve really been running yourself ragged lately, so I have planned out the perfect mental vacay for you. And by “perfect mental vacay,” I mean watching two GIFs that I’m currently obsessing over, which are guaranteed to calm your hectic life – or cause you to spiral into madness with me.
We’ll see what happens.
This first one is Hillary Rodham Clinton reacting to the fact that someone threw a shoe at her as she gave a speech in Las Vegas last week.
Yep, a woman in the audience pulled a cleat from her purse and chucked it across the room, aiming for Clinton’s cranium region. She missed of course, because have you ever tried to throw a shoe? Me neither, because my mental illnesses are treated. But I can only imagine that it’s not the easiest thing in the world to do.
I’m just relieved that this particular shoe-thrower thought ahead and brought an extra shoe. There’s nothing worse than having to remove one of the shoes from your very own feet to get your point across. Also, It would have been quite the misfortune to be escorted by security through Las Vegas – the filthiest place I have ever visited – wearing only one shoe. Good thinkin’, lady!
This second GIF is George W. Bush deftly avoiding TWO shoes thrown at his head by an Iraqi journalist during his final visit to Iraq in 2008.
That is correct, a man whose job it is to remain unbiased and report the news, took off his footwear, said the phrase, “This is a farewell kiss from the Iraqi people, you dog” and hurled his shoes – one after the other – aiming for a tad above the dais.
I don’t typically enjoy shoes being thrown about willy-nilly like this, but I must admit that the phrase uttered by the journalist is some of the prettiest language I have seen in print since cracking a Vietnam War-inspired anthology in a Poetry 101 course I attended nearly a decade ago. Plus, I choose to believe this brush with rubber was the catalyst for Bush’s descent into painting puppy portraits. And therefore it wasn’t all for nothing.
There are two obvious, yet important points to make about these clips.
First, Clinton’s reaction proves that a human being who has spent a lot of time in library stacks and lecture halls (also standing in front of a mirror attempting to convince herself that a mutually-beneficial marriage of convenience is right for her) is emotionally ill-prepared for having objects lobbed at her skull from an audience she clearly trusts. Also, it suggests that she needs to double-down on the Secret Service protection.
In sharp contrast, the skillful moves Bush exhibits in this loop are the cat-like reflexes of a human being who has had every kind of human waste product, beer can and sports equipment flung at his head, courtesy of time well spent in Delta Kappa Epsilon at Yale. There is no doubt that Bush’s decision to join a frat saved him from suffering a broken nose or a black eye on that fateful day.
So in honor of these two beloved cultural artifacts, this week’s tweet selections shall be named after other, lesser-known shoe-throwing incidents throughout history. It’s time their truths were told.
Please enjoy and be sure to follow each of these funny tweeters to improve your miserable timeline.
1. March 3rd, 1984: Joyce DeWitt, blackout drunk on set of Three’s Company, throws her raggedy Birkenstock at John Ritter, slightly brushing his left ass cheek. John Ritter was unaware.
The best part of taking my daughter to swim lessons is the wide variety of dicks she sees in the changing room.
— Kevin Hamilton (@Badaftertaste) April 11, 2014
2. December 19th, 1740: an 8-year-old George Washington, pouting after his mother told him to blow out a candle in the living room, kicks his buckle shoe off his foot, sending it careening into the fireplace.
Waiting for this Cialis to kick in so I can creepily leer at my wife while she’s plunging the toilet later, just like in the tv commercial. — btemps (@btemps) April 12, 2014
3. April 15th, 2014: Samuel Garner throws his Converse All-star sneaker at Tony MacNamara during afternoon recess at LeGrande Elementary School in Horse Cave, Kentucky.
I took my bra off and a loaf of bread fell out
— Paige (@PeachCoffin) April 12, 2014
4. August 14th, 1750: through frustrated tears, an unnamed Blackfoot Indian half-heartedly flings his moccasin at his stubborn horse, named Wild Spirit, who will not budge from the east bank of the creek he wants to cross.
Any recommendations for books to get 1/4 through and then read garbage on my phone instead? — Damian Chadwick (@damianchadwick) April 13, 2014
5. April 30th, 1945: Hilter throws Eva’s pink bunny slipper against the bunker’s wall before shooting himself in the head.
Staycation quiz: Who farted? Answer: Everyone
— Jocelyn Plums (@FilthyRichmond) April 14, 2014
6. January 7th, 1987: While monitoring a railroad near Siberia’s Yenisei River, Zhenya Oleg and Kapsirko Rurik begin to argue over who gets to take a hot shower first when they return to civilization. Zhenya insists that he deserves to go first, since Kapsirko locked him out of the room the last time they were assigned together. A fistfight ensues. Zhenya falls into the snow and Kapsirko laughs at him. Zhenya unties his Gortex-lined boot and chucks it at Kapsirko, striking him in the temple. Kapsirko falls to the ground, unresponsive. Zhenya laces his boot back on and heads back to camp. Kapsirko is never seen again.
“I think I’m gonna get some random quote from literature tattooed on me”- 50% of all chicks ever apparently. — Dave Hill (@mrdavehill) April 15, 2014
7. July 30th, 1993: While viewing the Grand Canyon from behind a railing on the south rim, Susan Engel holds her toddler, Jane, on her hip. As Susan is preoccupied with the natural beauty before her, Jane tosses her yellow jelly sandal into the canyon.
If you’re at an area Panera tomorrow morning and you witness an awkward and forced team meeting about appreciation, please shoot me.
— kctacoparty (@kctacoparty) April 15, 2014
8. April 2nd, 1451: Cosimo di Giovanni de’ Medici hurls his silk slipper at his illegitimate son, Carlo, who is shining his father’s walking stick.
Shhhhhhhhh…. My butt’s asleep. — AlisonRosen (@AlisonRosen) April 16, 2014
9. April 9th, 1865: after surrendering to General Ulysses S. Grant, General Robert E. Lee, upon retiring for the evening, fires his boot into the wall, then talks through his teeth to himself for a handful of minutes.
Here’s the thing about money: It’s awesome and I want lots of it and I’d strangle my own mother for more.
— Jason Miller (@longwall26) April 16, 2014
10. October 13th, 2012: While driving in morning traffic, Account Manager Rosie Young suddenly finds herself unable to stomach the music coming from her son’s earbuds for one second longer. She takes off her left wedge heel and uses it to swipe at her unsuspecting son sitting in the passenger seat.
Sometimes I look at my sweet little girl while she’s asleep and I whisper, “Fuck you for all the shit you do when you’re awake.” — Tiffany (@Leggalicious) April 16, 2014
11. March 8th, 2014: Minutes after passing the IGARI waypoint over the South China Sea, Malaysian Airline flight 370’s captain Zaharie Ahmad Shah was playfully hit in the head by first officer Fariq Abdul Hamid’s shoe, sending his head into the Boeing 777’s control panel, pressing an unknown combination of buttons and reseting the plane’s course for the Diamantina Trench.
Paid 2 stuntmen to dress like FROZEN characters and let me hit them with my car in front of this elementary school for 6 hours
— Rob Huebel (@robhuebel) April 17, 2014
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