Picture it: You bend down to pick up your 4-year-old’s clothes from the floor. As you stand upright, you hear a creak in your knee or possibly let out a bit of a groan, reminiscent of your grandmother. Whatever the case, suddenly you remember that you’re a 43-year-old divorcee with a cancelled TV show. Your mind becomes flooded with self-doubt.
What am I doing with my life? Who am I? And more importantly, why isn’t everyone clapping for or booing me right now?
You are overwhelmed by the realization that the limelight has drifted away from you and you collapse on the carpet in a heap of tears. You cry and scream into the crumpled clothing in your hands until you run out of tears. Then, when it’s time to compose yourself again, you pull yourself up off the floor and shake out your daughter’s damp pajamas. You smile as you see Hello Kitty staring back at you. You study the pajamas, “They’re so tiny,” you say to yourself, as you place the clothes against your body to gauge their size.
Suddenly you become giddy with excitement: you have an idea.
You peel off your own clothing and pull on your 4-year-old daughter’s shorts, “Like a glove,” you say to no one but yourself, as you smile and laugh at your reflection in a mirror. “Now it’s time for the real test: top time!” you announce to your empty bedroom. You hit a snag while stuffing your head through the child-sized neck hole in the pajama top, but after tugging really hard and possibly doing some serious damage to the structure of your nose, your head eventually pops through.
Next, you set to forcing your 43-year-old female body’s arms through your 4-year-old’s Hello Kitty top—the makers of which never fathomed that a grown woman with multiple successful business endeavors under her belt would ever dream of donning their clothing for the sole purpose of self-validation. It’s tight and you have a few moments of honest-to-goodness claustrophobia, but you manage to stuff them through. Finally, you pull the top down to cover your belly.
You look at yourself in the mirror, “I did it!” you say to your reflection, smiling and primping as you marvel at your great achievement.
“Ophelia!” You call for your child’s nanny to come into your untidy bedroom.
“Yes, ma…Oh, what is this about?” Your exasperated nanny asks, after she sets her eyes on your Hello Kitty attire.
“OK Ophelia, I’m going to give you my phone and I want you to take a picture of me wearing Bryn’s clothes. Isn’t this just a RIOT that I can totally fit into her clothes? I mean, she’s only four! Wow, I can’t believe I did it. I just have that kind of body, you know? It’s crazy that I’m such a skinny girl!”
You pose for the picture. You don’t like your hair in the first shot, so Ophelia takes a second one after you’ve had a chance to preen.
“Nailed it! Thank you so much. I don’t know what I’d do without you—probably have to take a bathroom selfie…Yikes! Can you go check on Bryn? I can’t wait to post this!”
You look at the photo and beam with pride. You open your Instagram app, but have difficulties settling on a caption. You instinctively start out with, “Look how fat my 4-year-old is!” Then, you delete it and type, “Look how skinny I am!” You delete that as well, because it’s too obvious. Then without thinking, you once again type, “Look how skinny I am!” and delete it. Finally you land on, “This is my daughter’s nightgown and PJ shorts. Think we’re ready to start sharing clothes yet?” Eager to show with the world your incredible achievement, you hit “share.” And just as you had wished for, the whole world agrees that your skinny body is indeed quite skinny.
So in honor of the completely fucked up way in which Bethenny Frankel validates her existence, each of this week’s tweet selections shall be named after the ways in which she will compete with her daughter in the future. Please follow each of these hilarious tweeters and check back each week for a new installment of funny tweets.
1. She will give this speech at her daughter’s wedding:“Bryn, I’m sorry I’m so skinny, honey. I would give anything to be an average to a bit more hefty woman like you, so that you could be wearing the dress I wore when I married your father. But, I’m just naturally so much smaller than you:”
I don't always tell my kids how to dress, but when I do it's because they want to wear fleece to the pool.
— Amy Flory (@FunnyIsFamily) July 9, 2014
2. When her daughter has her first baby, Bethenny will try to squeeze the infant into one of her own t-shirts. She will give up midway through the ordeal and say, “Grr, not even your infant can fit into my clothes. Ugh, I’m so much skinnier than you:”
The clothes I'm wearing would suggest that I'm about to hit the gym but really I'm gonna go eat Mexican food for lunch.
— Jen Good (@buriedwithkids) July 11, 2014
3. She will date the twin brother of her daughter’s first boyfriend, insisting that she has to date younger guys, because she’s too skinny to be with a grown man:
My gravestone will probably say, "I'm doing fine, thanks."
— Erica (@SCbchbum) July 15, 2014
4. She’ll be sure to always say the ABC’s faster than her daughter, until one day her daughter beats her to “Z.” Bethenny will claim that the game is now unfair, as her daughter is so much bigger than her. “Your lung capacity is much greater than mine now. I have this skinny ol’ bod, after all:”
My teen daughter is away, without access to a phone. I can only imagine her phone hand is clenched into a trembling claw. And she's weeping.
— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) July 14, 2014
5. Anytime her daughter has to do a book report for school, Bethenny will insist that she read one of her own books about being so super skinny:
My 4-year-old is crying because her show went to a commercial, in case you wondered why birth control is so popular.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 14, 2014
6. She will lie to her daughter and tell her that green eyeshadow looks great on her and she should definitely double down on that look for life:
Someday, we're all never gonna look back at all this fully-documented life.
— Brent Duncan (@brent3d) July 14, 2014
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