While you were overjoyed this week that your son miraculously (and perhaps suspiciously) decided to put his dirty socks in the hamper, an 8-year-old boy in Texas, named Hector Montoya, managed to show-up every single human being you know by devising a plan to protect the townies from their lackadaisical approach to fire safety. Prepare yourself, because this story is guaranteed to thaw at least one layer of that frozen chunk of muscle, veins and capillaries in your chest. Hector had been saving up money to buy a PlayStation 4, but his dreams of sitting in a darkened room and mowing down zombies fell by the wayside when he heard about a house fire that killed a woman and her 6-year-old child. The fact that such a senseless fate befell two people in his community spurred him to action. He opted to donate his hard-earned PlayStation 4 cash to buy smoke alarms for homes occupied by adults who lack the foresight to address an easily preventable, yet life-threatening risk. Hector had this thought pop up in his sweet little brain and then actually had the linguistic dexterity to say it aloud: “Saving a life is more important.” Aw, Hector! Remember: as your heart thaws, it is normal to feel strange twinges in your chest. This story has gone viral, so I’m sure Grand Prairie Texas’ own moral leader will soon be sitting on a mountain of PlayStation 4s, a heap of zombie games and an Olympic-sized swimming pool filled with Mountain Dew, which will lead him down a slippery slope to diabetes within the year. (I don’t want your heart to thaw completely – I like you somewhat prickly.) Either this boy is the most caring and compassionate 8-year-old in all of history or he is a diabolical genius who we will all be worshipping by force in a few years. Of course, I choose to believe the former. Although, if the latter is my future, then I will accept my young, Texan overlord with absolutely zero push-back. Either way, his folks must be parenting Jedis who should consider touring the country to lecture other, less accomplished examples of parenting on how exactly the job should be done. May I suggest that the first leg of the tour include the people raising that kid who farted in his coach’s face last week? That dynamic duo could clearly learn a thing or two from Hector’s parents. Maybe someone could arrange a face-to-face (no, not ass-to-face, you jerk kid) with the Montoya family. As for the rest of us? Now that our hearts have been warmed, let’s go buy our neighbor, the one who clearly doesn’t value their own life one bit, a smoke alarm. For fuck’s sake, they cost less than $5 these days!
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