I fancy myself a fairly normal person. For example, I have pre-beddy-bye rituals just like everyone else. I lock up, wash my face, put on some comfy jammies and then launch into my nightly reading, for which I Google the most up-to-date and scientific news regarding the myriad ways in which we could mercifully be snuffed out as a species.
This comforting article from USA Today recently roped me in with its apocalyptic promises.
How could it not have, with such outstandingly ominous word choices like: asteroids…deadly… frequent…more…destroy…blasts…disaster…sunburn?
I mean what better way to get some shut-eye than snuggling in my down comforter reading word gems like that?
Not to mention the sensational word couplings this piece had to offer: nuclear explosions…get hit…Earth’s surface…orbital killers. Or better yet, the thrilling trios mixed in: matter of time…destroy a city…survey the sky…strike the Earth.
There were simply no viable signs that this promising bedtime lullaby could possibly disappoint and so I launched in:
“Space rocks big enough to destroy a city…” (That’s what I’m talking about!)
“…A city-killer strikes once a century…” (Oh YES, tell me more!)
“…Impacts by asteroids ranging from bus-sized to department-store-sized coul…”
Wait just a minute, USA Today. We’re using department stores for scale now?
An asteroid as big as a…a…department store?? How could they do this to me? This piece had such potential and then they threw it all away in the penultimate paragraph with such a quizzical description that completely distracted me from conjuring any decent life-threatening visualizations.
Instead I was now trying to picture the size of this asteroid – this department-store-sized object – and was just getting frustrated because I couldn’t get a real handle on it. Oftentimes department stores have two floors, but sometimes they only have one. Other times, they are 3 or more stories tall. And while some department stores are located in suburban strip malls, others take up an entire wing of a large urban shopping mall.
Just how large is this department store, USA Today? Is it the size of a scaled-back Sears in a small Midwestern town? Or is it as large as Shinsegae in South Korea? We definitely needed something more specific to properly scale the size of the asteroid that could be responsible for initiating our blessed extinction.
Why stray from using the trusted and widely understood football field metric, USA Today? Such a quirky comparison leaves so little information with which to work and so many questions unanswered.
So this week, in honor of this mysterious new way to measure size, I have named each tweet selection after other equally ridiculous comparisons. Please follow each of these funny tweeters (who are all roughly the size of babies who have grown to be adults) and check back next week for a new crop of hilarious tweets.
1. “This new refrigerator will fit. I mean, we are talking about something as large as a gas pump, after all.”
I’m not fat, I’m ready for market!
— Jocelyn Plums (@FilthyRichmond) April 24, 2014
2. “The elephant, as you can imagine, is as tall as two big boulders. Yes, one stacked on top of the other.”
I only watch Lifetime for the sweet murder tips. — Mike_Rack (@imadepoopstoday) April 22, 2014
3. “OK, so take your index finger and thumb and pinch your eyelashes on your right eye. Then rip them all out in one quick swoop. Now, bunch those hairs up like a wheat shock and focus on the center of the collected eyelashes. Now, you will have a pretty good idea for how wide the gnat is that is buzzing around my head.”
Everyone should just post a pic of their butthole online right now so no one can ever shame/blackmail anyone in the future.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) April 23, 2014
4. “The swimming pool is as long as every pack of Twizzlers in the nearest 7-Eleven, if they were all laid out end-to-end that is.”
If they didn’t want me to eat the urinal cake, then they shouldn’t have called it cake. — PoopThoughts (@HFMRide) April 21, 2014
5. “The mark left on my arm, caused by the asshole cat that scratched me, is as long as a piece of floss you’d rip off during your pre-bed hygiene ritual.”
Shout out to makeup for covering up the truth
— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) April 22, 2014
6. “The baby weighs about the same as two garbage bags filled with old socks. It’s important to note that the socks would need to have their elastic worn out in order for this comparison to be accurate.”
If you call your mom “mother” you have murder fantasies about her. — Jewy Jewerstein (@Jewerstein) April 22, 2014
7. “When the waiter dropped that tray, it sounded exactly how that eagle screeched in my dream that one night. Remember?”
I almost started feeling good about myself so I made plans to see my parents.
— Not JPo (@NotJPo) April 19, 2014
8. “My stiletto heel is as tall as an 10-week-old puppy’s hind leg.”
If my vagina were a person, she would probably wear elastic waist jeans. — Tiffany (@Leggalicious) April 22, 2014
9. “The steak I ate for dinner was as big as my fist plus a baby’s fist. But, not like an average baby, more like a chubby one. It would have to be a pretty big baby.”
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
— Jason Miller (@longwall26) April 21, 2014
10. “The football field is as large as an asteroid.”
I’ve decided to carry a scary clown mask in my purse for public bathroom purposes. Betcha won’t peek through the door crack again, huh kid?
— Elle (@ellentee) April 22, 2014
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