Picture it: You’re driving down a familiar suburban street, on your way to the library or the Range Rover dealership or some waste-of-time-and-money yoga class. You’re listening to NPR and thinking top-shelf thoughts—you’re doing a great job of growing that big brain of yours—when something scrawled on a lamppost catches your eye. “No, surely my eyes deceive me. Does that read…? ” As you get closer, you cannot deny that there is indeed a vulgarity spray-painted on city property, “Booger?” Your stomach drops. You race to the elementary school to collect your children. And through confused tears, you all pack up your lives and move to a safer suburb.
That is not just some wild visual I plucked from my imagination. It’s real. And residents of the North Carolina town of Cary are currently living this nightmare. Spray-painted words such as “snot” and “booger” keep showing up all over their town. Now, it’s up to Cary’s finest investigators to identify the culprit(s) behind the rash of schoolyard potty mouth-inspired vandalism and put an end to the nonsense.
But as a resident of Kansas City, MO, I say big deal, Cary, NC!
I yearn for the variety of graffiti with which Cary has been dealt. It’s quaint, funny and harmless (I mean, if you ignore the fact that it’s occurring on other people’s property). I envy Cary residents, because their brand of graffiti stands in stark contrast to the genuine horror I see driving around KC every goddamned day.
Picture it: I’m driving through my KC neighborhood. A couple of blocks away from my house—right on the pavement—I see a message in black spray-paint that reads, “GIVE ME MONEY, BITCH!” I drive a few more blocks and see “ONE DEAD COP IS A GOOD START” on the nearly-destroyed signage of an abandoned business. Then there are the skulls: skulls with roses in their mouths, skulls laughing, skulls with the word “death” painted over them. Skulls, skulls, skulls and more fucking skulls!
Plus, there is the tagging. I know gang members are really busy hustling, counting their money, blabbing about said money, making unwanted babies, not building resumes and murdering each other, but I’d encourage them to devote at least a solid minute to sketching out what they plan to spray-paint on the nearest cement structure before they set to work. Because to people not steeped in crime, the countless scribbles we see on utility boxes, road signs and underpasses regarding “territories” look like the ugly block lettering and chicken scratch on a troubled 6th grader’s notebook.
I truly wish my neighborhood was covered in “snot” instead.
So in honor of the obvious utopia the residents of Cary are living in, each of this week’s tweet selections are named for the naughty words I wish were spray-painted all over my neighborhood, in lieu of all the depressing gang-realated abominations I see everyday. Please follow each of these hilarious tweeters and check back each week for a new installment of funny tweets.
Just got kicked out of Krispy Kreme for moaning.
— Bert (@BertCarrillo) May 20, 2014
I want credit for never making anyone sponsor me for a 5k
— Ellen Rapoport (@ellenrapoport) May 19, 2014
Crotchless panties… …so my stupid dog can't ruin any more underwear.
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) May 22, 2014
Chex Mix. It's what's for dinner.
— FleurDeLea (@celestinelea90) May 19, 2014
Married sext: while I'm down here do you need me to grab your box of fat clothes
— Vanilla Cupcake (@Vanilla_cupcak) May 23, 2014
Titty (or maybe titty baby):
How much for the mirror? Ma'am that's the cover of Vogue
— Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy) May 19, 2014
If my children really loved me, they would tell on each other, without cash bribes.
— Alison (@Poor_Ophelia) May 23, 2014
Only 1% of the population actually has a gluten allergy. All those other people are just assholes.
— Dave Hill (@mrdavehill) May 23, 2014
Garbage Instagram, Garbage Outstagram.
— Avalon Leonetti (@ThatAvalon) May 19, 2014
In sexy news… I pulled my shoulder putting on shapewear.
— Erica Rivinoja (@erivinoja) May 20, 2014
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