Last week, a black bear found himself tumbling through a skylight and into a human family’s home in Juneau, Alaska. One minute he was exploring the neighborhood—namely, inspecting modern roof construction—the next he was trying to catch his breath while lying face down in a living room.
Of course, he was confused by the utter chaos his accidental break-in caused for the home’s occupants—there were shrieks, doors were slammed, a baby wailed and a couple fought behind a barricaded bedroom door about how to handle the situation.
After a few moments, the bear sat up, plucked shards of Plexiglas from his flesh, shook his dizzy head and made an unbelievable discovery: a platter of cupcakes sat on the table before him.
Was he dreaming? Was he dead? Was he in heaven? Were his staunch atheistic views flawed?
Sure, he had seen and tasted human food delights before. But he had only ever encountered them in congealed states, requiring a whole lot of elbow grease in order to get the goods into his belly.
Once, while heading back into the neighborhood’s abutting forest after being shooed by a resident with a BB gun, he happened upon an unsecured garbage bin. He opened the treasure chest expecting a feast, but was disappointed to discover that the bin had been emptied. However the feeling was short-lived, as he noticed that a mash of trash—banana peels, crushed jam jars, wads of greasy burger wrappers, capsized fast food cups and take-out containers, etc.—had collected at the bottom of the dumpster over time and was his for the scraping. Oh, what a find! He nearly snapped his claws in half scratching at the tasty, waxy layer of solidified garbage and, while feasting on his find, licked his paw pads totally raw.
But intact, fresh cupcakes…How could he have been so lucky to fall through the skylight in THIS house, during THIS human child’s first birthday party?
The sweet aroma of the freshly baked sweets danced around his snout and beckoned him closer. He stood up from the floor, stumbled toward the cupcakes and steadied his body, still shaken from the fall, against the table. His eyes widened at the sight. His nostrils flared to inhale the goodness wafting from the frosted confections.
He drooled and shivered with glee as he reached for a cupcake and gave it a sniff. He giggled as frosting tickled his nose. Then he placed it between his toothy jaws and chewed, closing his eyes as the richness of the dessert ricocheted down his spine.
His heart raced—game on!
He stuffed his face with cupcake after cupcake, rarely chewing. He couldn’t believe his luck and nothing could slow him down. Not even the fact that he nearly choked on the balloon-themed cupcake wrappers with each swallow. So on and on he ate, until he reached for one more sweet treat only to find that they were all gone.
He took a deep breath and savored his sugar rush.
Then, a human female appeared from the next room and shrieked sternly while clapping. The bear, drunk on food, waddled out of the house through an opened back door. And on he strolled, into the forest to nap in a sunny meadow.
He was full, like really full. So full that he wished he could throw up all the cupcakes he had just eaten. In fact, he was so full that he announced to the empty meadow that he was never going to eat again. Like never ever again. For real this time, he insisted. He thought, “Whew, what a relief it will be to never have to eat again. I am finally free to hibernate for the rest of my life without the burden of scavenging for sustenance.” These thoughts went on for quite a while as the bear moaned and whimpered and winced. Until finally, he reached the level of fullness that caused him to plead with the universe to put him out of his misery. And frankly, it was a dramatic plea, whined out as he held his bloated belly and kicked his hind legs into the air. And wouldn’t you know it? At that moment, there appeared a couple of Juneau police officers who shot him dead right where he writhed in cupcake pain, just as he had wished.
So in honor of the overeating black bear in us all, each of this week’s tweet selections are named after those gorging sessions—the ones that take place at a barbecue joint or buffet or in our own pantries—that have caused us to wish for the sweet relief of death. Please follow each of these amusing tweeters and check back each week for a new installment of funny tweets.
1. July 4th, 1998 – Jane Kirsch, fully clothed, twisted uncontrollably in her empty bathtub after competing in her town’s annual 4th of July hot dog eating competition. She consumed three and a half hot dogs:
Trying to answer why ants like honey to my 4 year old and I can't figure out how to say that ants like bee jizz. Parenting is hard.
— Awescar (@awescar) June 28, 2014
2. September 14th, 1985 – Timothy Urbana, sweaty and miserable, rolled down the windows in his pickup and breathed through the pain after partaking in his friend Steve’s all-day barbecue feast:
Someone you know was faced with terrible circumstances? Did you tell them "It is what it is"? You did? Well, I'm all out of ideas.
— Jason Miller (@longwall26) June 25, 2014
3. May 21st, 2007 – After a day of traveling, the Younger family stopped at a restaurant called Lambert’s for dinner. Upon returning to their vehicle, all four members of the family reclined their seats, unbuttoned and/or unzipped their pants and moaned for 45 minutes straight before continuing on their journey:
NOTHING WANTS TO FUCK YOU, BIRD THAT STARTS CHIRPING OUTSIDE MY WINDOW EVERY DAY AT 3AM.
— Kevin (@Ginjerk) June 28, 2014
4. June 3rd, 1995 – Amy Pratt cried while lying on her back in the living room after she ate an entire homemade cherry pie by herself while visiting her grandmother:
'My dog hates men.' 'Oh. OK. Did you name her Maureen Dowd?'
— Scott Muska (@scottmuska) June 28, 2014
5. February 2nd, 2014 – After enjoying the Korma Sutra Indian buffet, I took deep, regular breaths while rubbing my stomach, sweating, whining and promising myself I’d never do it again:
perchance m'lady wouldst like a spritz of Binaca?
— Sam (@SamuelMoen) June 27, 2014
6. December 25th, 2005 – Phillip Rosetti cried into a pillow while massaging his stomach in his childhood bedroom after returning home from college and enjoying fourths of his mother’s Christmas dinner:
WAIT, it's job? I've been dressing for the fudge I want.
— Julia Segal (@juliasegal) June 26, 2014
7. June 27th, 1988 – Sheila Johnson practiced breathing techniques she had learned in lamaze class in an attempt to make it through a food day at work without vomiting:
Wife's fart just sounded like somebody kicking an empty laundry basket down a tiled hallway.
— btemps (@btemps) June 26, 2014
8. October 31st, 1978 – Oscar Ramirez whimpered in fetal position on the bathroom floor after vomiting twice, induced by gorging on a pillow case-full of goodies from a successful night of trick-or-treating:
If I had to choose between spending an hour in a Forever 21 or a year in Nazi Germany, I'd be like, "What year?"
— Alex Rubens (@atrubens) June 25, 2014
9. January 1st, 1990 – The three hungover roommates living in apartment 5A, after spending the entire afternoon grazing on the contents of their fridge and pantry, took turns moaning in the bathroom that evening:
"Critique" is a pretty fancy word for "taking a shit all over everything I just did."
— Emilio Rossal (@EmilioRossal) June 26, 2014
10. March 7th, 2010 – Adam Warner writhed in pain on his way home from Cici’s Pizza after winning a bet he’d made with his friends. He ate the most pizza by far, however his friends refused to pay up:
Hey ED commercials, cool it with your beach strolls, hand-holding & 4-hour erections. My wife & I are too busy yelling at the kids for sex.
— Dad or Alive (@dad_or_alive) June 29, 2014
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