For years we have been tortured by headlines touting the impending end of sweet, comforting, parental-love-substituting chocolate as we know it. Much like how our generally bee-free lifestyle has been jeopardized by the threat of those africanized killer bees, which were supposed to buzz in and destroy our way of life before the year 2000 — fortunately, they were all killed off by GMOs or vaccines or Burt took them in, tamed them and forced them to produce skin care products we can feel good about using; by the way, I really shouldn’t be relied upon for factual details — our chocolate-rich lifestyle is in peril thanks to the threat of cocoa scarcity.
Go ahead. I’ll give you a moment to panic.
Remember to breathe through your thoughts and emotions.
That’s good. Now, exhale. Good, good job!
You’re doing great. And breathe in. Good. Excellent work.
Now exhale again. Well done!
Are you ready to continue? Great.
Yes, of course, it’s frightening to imagine an existence lacking the comfort of individually wrapped chocolate nuggets. Yes, of course, those sweet delights feel like tiny, warm hugs offered to you from inside your own body. Yes, of course, they fill you up with the love your parents were never able to show you, because “Daddy has to work in order to support you and your ungrateful siblings.” or “Mommy never wanted you.” or “You were a mistake. If I could go back in time…Well anyway, pour daddy a drinky.” And yes, of course, they nurture you and make you feel as though you are capable of anything (in that moment before you unbutton your pants and press play on that “Who Pooped The Bed?” episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia for the 785th time).
Anyway, I digress.
Let’s look on the bright side of this fabled chocalypse, shall we? If there is one thing I know about human beings, it’s that they love alcohol. Also, they love money. But, more on topic, they love chocolate. I think we can all agree that if things get dire as far as cocoa production is concerned, then the spirit of human ingenuity will triumph and cocoa will thrive in abundance. I’m certain of this, because breweries like to infuse cocoa in alcohol. Plus, all that cocoa would make someone a lot of money. Alcohol, money AND chocolate; I think we will be just fine.
In honor of our beloved chocolate, this week’s tweet selections are paired with real quotes from cocoa farmers after tasting chocolate for the first time. Please follow each of these funny tweeters and check back here each week for a new crop of hilarious tweets.
“The dried cocoa beans are used by the whites to make this.”
Coolest ways to die: 1. motorcycle accident 2. shark fight 3. backflip into lava … 999. Wedged under couch reaching for Cheeto
— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) April 1, 2015
“ Oh, it’s nice…Very sweet.”
I'm starting to believe my toddler's loudest toys are powered by my favorite TV shows.
— Brad Broaddus (@BradBroaddus) April 6, 2015
“I did not know cocoa was so yummy.”
It's the Monday after spring break, damn right I bribed my kid with Pez and let him go to school in his pajamas.
— Hot Breakfast (@amydillon) April 6, 2015
[i ruin my entire life with poor decisions] [my mom telling the story] he's so good at that Xbox
— PapeяWash© (@PaperWash) April 7, 2015
“Our guest has brought us a precious gift.”
I say whatever to your rants about the government being too powerful, you aren't truly powerless until you have a toddler
— Lauren (@WorkingMom86) April 7, 2015
“It feels hard.”
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
— The Cat Whisperer (@TheCatWhisprer) April 2, 2015
“Mmm, it is sweet.”
We have taken down all doors to appease our toddlers. They feel doors are restrictive and hinder their emotional growth.
— Los Feliz Day Care (@LosFelizDayCare) April 5, 2015
“This is white people are so healthy.”
Me: "What's on the television?" My 10-year-old son: "TV, mom. This isn't 1888." (I didn't have the energy to go into it.)
— Kelley (@KelleysBreakRm) April 7, 2015
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