While stopped at a red light, I looked over at a fellow human being sitting in the car to my right. There, driving a red, convertible Sebring, was a middle-aged lady scratching at something on the top of her head.
My spidey sense tingled; something was amiss with this woman.
Thus, I did what you would do in the situation: I continued to observe her as she dug at her scalp. And I’m so very happy I did, because the next thing I saw was quite scarring and jarring. She pulled her hand down from the goldmine that was — by that point — her skull and looked at her fingers, then licked her fingers. Then went back to digging toward her cerebral cortex. Finally, success! She pried an *object* off her head, pinched it between her thumb and index finger, smelled it, licked it, then ate it. In broad daylight — in front of a creepy onlooker like me (in the privacy of her own car) — this lady ate a part of her body! I can only presume the object in question was a SCAB! Yes, a bloody, goopy scab she pulled from her own head while operating a motor vehicle in the middle of the city.
Anyway, happy belated Mother’s Day!
You know, that filthy scab-eater was born to a mother. A mother who carried her to term. A mother who fed her (what did she feed her though?!). A mother who sent her off to school. A mother who clearly dropped the ball when it came to her duty of bestowing some crucial manners; for instance, how we should only ever pick our scabs, lick them, then eat them in the privacy of our own homes (duh!).
Enough of that! This week’s funny tweet selections are paired with other gross things strangers (all born to mothers) munch on in front of innocent civilians just going about their business. Please follow each of these hilarious tweeters and check back here each week for a new crop of funny tweets.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that's just for the alcohol.
— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) May 5, 2015
Now taking bets on what time this Sunday I first utter the words, "Mother's Day, my ass."
— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) May 8, 2015
Boogers (classic nose version):
PUPPY: Dad, check the closet for monsters DOG DAD: OK, buddy *opens it & finds nothing but a vacuum* DOG DAD: Get behind me, son.
— Dan O'Brien (@OtherDanOBrien) May 8, 2015
Boogers (eye version):
It's like my kids have my DNA or something..
— wussawilla (@Chloestylo) May 7, 2015
Sunburn skin flakes:
What's that sound? Oh, that's the sound of millions of parents crying realizing their kids are about to be out of school for the summer.
— Busted Flip Flops (@GrillinChillin9) May 7, 2015
"I know what I'm doing. I'm a grown-ass man" I say, sticking my hand in the garbage disposal.
— Loco Eric (@ericsshadow) May 7, 2015
*changes legal name to Mom*
— Jenny Pentland (@JennyPentland) May 7, 2015
Latest posts by Jenny Mcilroy (see all)
- A Modern Day Hero - September 8, 2016
- Asshole Kid - September 7, 2016
- “You Guys Fail in The Normal World Degree”: A Daughter’s Critique of Her Dumb Parents — Funny Tweets for August 26th – September 1st - August 31, 2016