Happy Valentime’s Day weekend!
Last February, while sitting in a body shop’s waiting room, I overheard an Auto Body Repair Technician ask the receptionist if she had plans for “Valentime’s Day.” I thought maybe I had misheard him or he had misspoke out of nervousness while chatting up the beguiling ice princess manning the front desk. However, he followed up her brush-off with, “If you were my girl, I’d buy you two dozen roses for Valentime’s Day. I’d do it up real nice every Valentime’s Day for you.” The ice princess’ face thawed slightly and her mouth took the form of something resembling a smirk.
Regardless of his inability to read social cues and pronounce the word “Valentine” correctly, it is clear the Auto Body Repair Technician understands the importance of Valentine’s Day. And he could not be more correct, as Valentine’s Day is the only time you’ll have all year to express the love you hold in your heart for your boyfriend or girlfriend; or your boyfriend AND girlfriend; or your hubby huberson; or your wifey poo; or your mistress; or your master (ew! Have we decided on the equivalent of a “mistress” for a guy?); or your crush; or your friend; or your neighbor; or your coworker; or, perhaps even that enchanting Target cashier over there.
“Yessiree, this cashier is very special,” you mumble to yourself from behind a rack of Frozen-themed toddler pjs at the front of the store; which just so happens to provide the perfect vantage point to scope out your future restraining-order-filer. Now, normally when you spy a fetching stalking target at Target, it may take you a week to catch on to their shift schedule. However this time — with this special creature — you straight-up studied a shift schedule that just so happened to be sitting out on an unattended register next to your love. It was accessible to any ol’ hopeless romantic who happened to be passing by, yet it caught your eye. Why, it certainly seems the stars have aligned, haven’t they? You were standing in the empty register’s aisle, pretending to look at gum and peruse the latest Kardashian khaos — all the while absorbing and processing vital information about your sweetie at the next register over, through as many of your senses as you could utilize without getting security personnel involved, that is — when you noticed a piece of paper with your love’s name highlighted. “It’s a sign!” You said aloud. Love erupted in your chest. Your charming Target cashier leaned over the divider and said, “Do you need help?” “Dahhh,” was all you managed to sputter out as you scuffled away toward the rack of 2Ts you are currently standing behind.
Oh, sweet silly love!
In honor of Valentime’s Day, each of this week’s tweet selections shall be named after pick-up lines sputtered out in a fit of nervousness. Please follow each of these funny tweeters and check back here weekly for a new crop of hilarious tweets.
“Wanna split this box of raisins?”
— Single Dad (@Lonely_Dad) February 14, 2015
“I’d kill for you.”
Kim Kardashian's butt didn't break the internet; moms surfing Pinterest the eve of Valentine's did.
— Katie Rahill (@Hobo_Mom) February 13, 2015
“Yanna mony. Kkkkkua.”
Moist Valentine's Day wishes to you and yours.
— braden graeber (@hipstermermaid) February 14, 2015
“Wanna go to a movie? My ex loved going to movies. We’re separated. The divorce hasn’t been technically finalized yet.”
People born in 1995 will be 20 this year. Happy Valentine's Day.
— Elizabeth (@Elizasoul80) February 14, 2015
“Has anyone ever told you how much you look like DJ Qualls?”
I left out valentine sugar cookies and extra diapers for Cupid! Hope he likes them!!! AHHH can't wait to meet my new bf in the morning!
— Jacqueline McKeon (@jacqueenmcqueen) February 14, 2015
“It’s so nice to finally meet me. Uhh I mean, you. It’s nice to finally meet you. AAAGH! WHY DO I LEAVE THE HOUSE?!”
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
— Noodles (@Dawn_M_) February 13, 2015
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