Nestled between Valentine’s Day’s mountains of chocolate delights in heart-shaped boxes and Mother’s Day’s useless heaps of kid-constructed bullshit starring macaroni and nontoxic, washable finger paints, there lies another female-centric holiday on March 8th: International Women’s Day. If you already know about it, then clearly you’re still hungover from the massive, global celebration. However, for those of you who may not be aware, the special day exists to advance women’s rights and foster respect toward women by highlighting their achievements worldwide.
This makes sense, as — perhaps second only to fear — the female honey pot is the most powerful thing in existence. It motivates, creates, manipulates, humiliates and — if it’s really good — is fully capable of causing grown men to beg and cry like tantrum-throwing toddlers, red-hot, snot-smeared faces and all.
Truth be told, today’s First World women may struggle to fully grasp the hardships of gender inequality. After all, our greatest struggles tend to revolve around “Why did my iPhone automatically download this stupid iWatch app?”, nighttime pantry-gorging, how terribly our DVR fucked up recording Dateline and civilly working with Cheryl in HR after she had the gall to wear that fur coat to the holiday party last year.
Fur is MURDER, Cheryl!
Lucky for us, we cannot even pretend to understand what life is like for women suffering true oppression by strict Islamic law or how women ever survived before we could to wear pants as we drove ourselves past the polling station where we spotted blue hairs zombie-ing about and had the fleeting thought, “ Oh yeah, there is some local election going on today.”
How quickly we’ve become jaded – isn’t it wonderful?!
Now, I know it’s a huge bummer to think about how there are women living in this world who cannot do as they please, whenever they please, simply because they have a vagina; but we must face the harsh reality of this garbage planet. It really might help ease our manufactured suffering when we get low fast milk instead of soy in our morning latte by mistake.
Therefore, in honor of of International Women’s Day, each of this week’s tweet selections are named after modern-day examples of real oppression against women. You’ll cry, then laugh, cry, laugh, etc. It’ll be great! Be sure to check back each week for a new crop of funny tweets.
I vaccinated your baby while you were at hot yoga
— Dave Ditell sucks!! (@davedittell) March 15, 2015
Sitting at Denny's and so far the least nauseating aspect of this experience was when my 3YO picked and ate a wet booger.
— Btemps (@btemps) March 14, 2015
Any time you do something amusing for your kids they demand that you do it 9000 more times. So I get it, deadbeat dads.
— PoopThoughts (@HFMRide) March 15, 2015
I just want to be as happy as the moms in paper towel commercials.
— Momma of Midgard (@MidgardMomma) March 14, 2015
Has anyone ever actually "ruined their appetite"?
— Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) March 14, 2015
"You couldn't have just gotten something from the registry?" -Mary and Joseph to the Little Drummer Boy probably
— jvk (@Jade_VK) March 14, 2015
When I say something is no big deal, I mean compared to WWI
— Mary Kobayashi (@MaryKoCo) March 13, 2015
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