Many moons ago, while eating on a Chipotle patio, I noticed a ragged-looking man with a distant stare seated a couple of tables over. No meal sat on the table before him. He looked as though he’d had an emotionally trying day or maybe a series of generally awful days. My heart — well, the part of it that periodically thaws and isn’t vacuum-packed with cholesterol — went out to him. As I was taking pity on this person, another man and woman walked out of Chipotle with their to-go orders. The couple talked quietly with one another while glancing at the man who was staring into nothingness. As they arrived at their car, the guy with the to-go order said to the disheveled man at the table, “Do you want this burrito bowl?”
“Huh?!” Said the man at the table.
“I was wondering if you’d like this bowl.” The guy said, as he lifted his offering.
“Are you hungry? You can have this bowl if you are—it’s chicken. I know chicken is kinda boring, but…” He gave a nervous laugh.
“Oh, I’m waiting for someone.”
“OK…” The guy with the burrito bowl said as he raised his eyebrows, trying to understand.
“I’m not homeless or whatever…”
“Oh, sorry!” The guy managed to say as he buried himself in his car.
The woman accompanying the kind burrito bowl-offering man began cackling uncontrollably, then she hopped in the car and they drove far, far away from the trauma.
The “not homeless or whatever” gent went back to looking into the abyss, likely searching for his dignity at that point.
The world is a funny place.
Right this minute, there are countless assholes yelling at their kids, weaving in and out of traffic, torturing animals, doing their jobs horrifically, lying to everyone, cheating on their spouses, blasting bass-heavy craptastic tunes from their rattling rust-mobiles through quiet neighborhoods, treating service workers like trash, spitting garbage from their mouths onto sidewalks and making this face:
And yet — while the thoughtful Chipotle offerer wanted to die for making such a kindhearted gesture — none of the dumb dildos mentioned above ever feels even the slightest tinge of embarrassment for their abject thoughtlessness.
Thus, the lesson we are forced to take away from this very embarrassing scene is that we should never EVER do anything kind for a stranger. Ever. I mean, ugh! Can you even imagine suffering through the shame of offering food to someone —someone for which all visible signs point to “homeless” — then being informed that they weren’t in need of a free meal? No way, hobo jose! That sort of event leaves a lasting impression on all parties involved, including eavesdroppers like me. If anything, this awkward exchange teaches us to crank up our “narcissistic asshole” mode, keep our eyes down (focused on our phones) and never, ever interact with strangers. EVER!
In honor of this good deed gone wrong, each of this week’s tweet selections are named after possible responses this “not homeless or whatever” man could have given the sweet gent. Please follow each of these funny tweeters and check back each week for a new crop of hilarious tweets.
“I’m just a hipster. I’m not a homeless.”
Daughter: Are you mad at me, Daddy? Me: No, sweetie. But I wouldn’t do that again after we move you into your Forever Home. Daughter: What?
— Melvin of York (@MelvinofYork) March 19, 2015
“Bitch, I’m not homeless!”
Sorry that your grandma fell down. And that I shouted, "Jenga."
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 15, 2015
“My life is falling apart, I haven’t slept and I sure as hell haven’t felt like showering. What’s the point? WHAT’S THE POINT?! BECKY, WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME?! WHY?!”
I'm a magician in a way that I can turn a man's silence into a crisis.
— Elizabeth is Ruined (@Elizasoul80) March 20, 2015
“I’m not homeless, bitch!”
My superpower is being able to get on a plane and find specific reasons to hate every single passenger by the time it lands.
— Jordan (@jordan_stratton) March 19, 2015
Gets up to run away, but trips on the table and busts his face on the cement. Then says, through the blood streaming from his broken teeth and lacerated tongue, “Is this a joke?! Is my life a joke, God?!”
Welcome to motherhood. Enjoy and cherish every moment or people will think you're a massive dickbag. Good luck.
— J.Beaner (@jeannerbeaner) March 20, 2015
“Do I look homeless to you, bitch?!”
Your kid's favorite food is not carrots. You don't have to pull that with me. I'm not a questionnaire at your pediatrician's office.
— BadParentingMoments (@BPMbadassmama) March 17, 2015
Gives up. Cries.
Whoever said "there are no stupid questions" apparently didn't have a nine year old son.
— sara hackney (@sarachasen) March 21, 2015
The original, the best: “I’m not homeless or whatever.”
Ugh can we fast forward to the part of the year where I've gotten used to looking like this in shorts?
— Hot Breakfast (@amydillon) March 21, 2015
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