We see these stories from time to time: A 103-year-old man attributes his long life to all the bourbon with which he washes down his pipe smoke (okay, mister). A lady credits reaching 102-years-strong to the McDonald’s cheeseburgers she eats everyday (sure thing, granny). A 101-year-old “stubborn jerk who will outlive all our favorite relatives” heralds getting into screaming matches — rich in hand gestures — with his family as the “secret” to his youthful zest (you are a menace to your family tree, sir). Recently, at 104-years-old, another oldie but goodie suggested something else — also totally unhealthy — plays a role in her longevity: Dr. Pepper.
This latest blue haired long-lifer, Elizabeth Sullivan, ingests the energy she needs to continue outrunning that fun-hating fart face we call the The Grim Reaper by sipping on a can of her favorite carbonated elixir three times per day — just as she has been doing for the last 40 years and just as her real doctor gave up pleading against decades ago. And for her birthday this year, Dr. Pepper recognized Ms. Sullivan’s commitment (i.e. addiction) to their product by sending her a cake in the shape of a Dr. Pepper can and a gift basket of, you guessed it, Dr. Pepper-themed products.
Now, this story is sweet and I’d like to only focus on the positivity of it for the sake of our own health and longevity, yet I can’t help but to see a glaringly obvious misstep in Dr. Pepper’s gifting-the-super-extra-elderly policy: Why didn’t they hook Ms. Sullivan up with Dr. Pepper FOR LIFE?! Realistically, what are we talking about here? A few years of free soda, at a maximum? C’mon, what are those cheap bastards at Dr. Pepper thinking?
In honor of longevity, generosity and most importantly, pragmatism, each of this week’s tweets are paired with examples of gifts other major companies should consider giving to their longtime fans who make it past the century mark. Please follow each of these funny tweeters and check back here each week for a new crop of hilarious tweets.
REI — Free hiking gear FOR LIFE!
My family crest is just a mom standing in front of a burning house while saying "we're fine"
— Kaiser Billhelm (@KizerBillhelm) March 27, 2015
Durex — Free condoms, lube and vibrators FOR LIFE!
[concert] Bon Jovi: Cuz I'm waaaaanted… *puts mic to crowd* Dad audience: HI WAAAAANTED WE'RE DADS
— Eldge (@Sickayduh) March 27, 2015
Nike — Free running shoes FOR LIFE!
Can you still refer to yourself as a "runaway" at 44?
— Neko Case (@NekoCase) March 26, 2015
Planet Fitness — Free membership FOR LIFE!
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny's ears then broke off its head. I'm sleeping with the lights on.
— Woody (@WoodyLuvsCoffee) March 26, 2015
Midas — Free brake pads FOR LIFE!
I get tired of explaining why I named my daughter Toiletbirth.
— India Løvenskiold (@AnemoneOh) March 27, 2015
Adidas — Free jockstraps or sports bras FOR LIFE!
the hottest part of any makeout is taking off your glasses and putting them in a safe place
— Lane Moore (@hellolanemoore) March 27, 2015
AT&T — Free texting plan FOR LIFE!
Do they make products for people who aren't bold
— Dan Hopper (@DanHopp) March 27, 2015
Victoria’s Secret — Free lingerie FOR LIFE!
My epiphany happened when I was 7. I showed my little sister how to pick her nose. That's when I knew it was my destiny to become a teacher.
— Jeremy Wetzel (@WetzelGeek) March 24, 2015
Latest posts by Jenny Mcilroy (see all)
- A Modern Day Hero - September 8, 2016
- Asshole Kid - September 7, 2016
- “You Guys Fail in The Normal World Degree”: A Daughter’s Critique of Her Dumb Parents — Funny Tweets for August 26th – September 1st - August 31, 2016