Remember the last time you cleaned out your bag and found a pummeled-to-bits, unwrapped tampon, five gum-covered pennies, receipts for receipts for receipts, a leaky bottle of hand sanitizer and a capsized tin of Altoids? And remember how you felt as though you’d won the lottery when you pried off that Starbucks gift card with a remaining balance of $1.37 — adhered by toddler jam — from the inside pocket fabric?
That was a good day.
Now, imagine how this Irish woman felt when she discovered a winning lotto ticket sandwiched between takeout menus and hitchhiking pet hair in her filthy, garbage-strewn mobile hellhole. Eeeee! Doesn’t it make you want to buy a larger bag with many more pockets and space to hide more crap from your future self? Imagine the surprises you’d stumble upon weeks/months/years/decades/lifetimes from now. That’s called, “making an investment in your joy.”
In honor of that Irish savant’s treasure trove of a purse, each funny tweet in this week’s list is accompanied by the junk we find in the bottom of our handbag-shaped dumpsters. Please follow each of these hilarious tweeters and check back each week for a new crop of funny tweets.
1. An old friend you haven’t talked to in a year; you pick up right where you left off. That’s a true friendship:
Occupation: cry at home mom
— Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) August 23, 2016
2. Two corn kernels:
It's not so much a bad mood as it is a lifestyle
— TattleTaleSister (@TattleTSister) August 23, 2016
3. Spent, greasy WetOnes wipe:
Thanks very much for asking me to dread going to your event, but I'm already committed to dreading another event on that same day.
— Marly (@VerbsRProudest) August 20, 2016
4. A mountain of crushed Cheerios:
My daughter's taking a bath and just yelled for me to bring her a straw…
— Kevin Hamilton (@Badaftertaste) August 21, 2016
5. A Single French fry, impaled by a paperclip:
*sits in the minivan for an hour after the kids have gone inside*
— Li'l Edie Pentland (@JennyPentland) August 21, 2016
6. Countless travel-sized lotion bottles — it is simply incomprehensible how many we are talking about here:
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
— beth loves cake, so (@bourgeoisalien) August 25, 2016
7. Beheaded chapstick tube, matted with hair and unidentifiable — but possibly Cheetos — dust:
Sorry I'm late; I'm unmotivated garbage.
— Princess Kim (@RealPrincessKim) August 25, 2016
8. A copy of Practical Magic you rented from Blockbuster in 2000. It’s your fault they filed for bankruptcy:
This morning, my daughter said, "quiche" which means she's smart, hungry and an asshole.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) August 21, 2016
9. Some granola bar bullshit:
Imagine Robert De Niro's face while someone is explaining what Pokemon Go is to him
— your daddy (@Kappa_Kappa) August 4, 2016
10. HOLY SHIT, A FIVER!!!! You’re a winner:
Interviewer: what would you do if you won the lottery?[thinking about all the strippers I'd get]
Me: start a charity for single mothers
— DaddyJew (@DaddyJew) August 25, 2016
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