“You Guys Fail in The Normal World Degree”: A Daughter’s Critique of Her Dumb Parents — Funny Tweets for August 26th – September 1st

 

 

In one way, the young girl in this video is fortunate: She possesses easily accessible proof of her parents’ wholehearted-commitment to her emotional neglect. What a lucky lady! After all, we all wish we could hit “play” on a moment in our childhood — while in the loving arms of the therapist’s couch — to prove the echo of a crazy memory in our brain really did happen; and yes, we were failed.

Let’s break the scene down.

The video begins with the dumbest sentence ever uttered by a human being. The stupid words fall from the mother’s mouth — like so much ayahuasca-induced diarrhea into a dusty, piping-hot Porta Potty at Burning Man — into her daughter’s ears: “He likes us.”

She farts out this sentence in reference to a visibly agitated, wild — as if it matters — lion standing in the grass before them. The young girl attempts to assess reality against her mother’s delusion: “No, I don’t think he does. He doesn’t.”

You’re doing great, girl! Keep challenging the things your mother says.

The mother then vomits another asinine sentence from her face, “But, he doesn’t care about us as much.”

Again, the girl attempts to put the pieces of reality together: “No, he growled. He growled at us over there.”

YES! Listen to that intuition; and always do the opposite of what your mother tells you to do. Always.

It is at this point when the lion turns toward the family’s vehicle and charges. The girl screams for her mom — the one sitting next to her, poo-pooing her voice of reason — and the mother responds with such maternal, comforting vocalizations as: “Shhh! Shhh!”

The lion retreats from the vehicle.

The girl’s brush with “death” leads her to a realization about her parents, “Oh my gosh, I hate you guys!”

Her mother laughs at her fear.

“You guys are the stupidest people in the history of stupidest people.”

And just when you think she’s finished burying what used to be her parents, she throws one last, perfect dirt clod on their graves: “I don’t care if you have a doctor degree, a physics degree or a teenager degree; you guys fail in the normal world degree.”

She’s everything we’ve ever wanted to be.

The video ends on an ominous note: “I’m going to die in Africa,” she announces. And with that, she arrives at the conclusion we all must eventually accept — although, normally it occurs to us well into our adulthood, after life’s bitterness grips our hearts: I am alone.

In honor of our beloved burn wizard, each of this week’s tweet selections are accompanied by the greatest sentence ever lobbed at parents by a teenager. Please follow each of these hilarious tweeters and check back each week for a new crop of funny tweets.

1. “I don’t care if you have a doctor degree, a physics degree or a teenager degree; you guys fail in the normal world degree.”

I bet I could just get in the car, step on the gas and be almost halfway down the driveway before my family even knew I was gone.

— Btemps (@btemps) August 29, 2016

2. “I don’t care if you have a doctor degree, a physics degree or a teenager degree; you guys fail in the normal world degree.”

Please don't ask me to respect your opinion unless it's about dogs being very good

— Mariya Alexander (@MariyaAlexander) August 29, 2016

3. “I don’t care if you have a doctor degree, a physics degree or a teenager degree; you guys fail in the normal world degree.”

Schroedinger just didn't want his son to know that his cat was dead.

— Karan Varma (@Thateverydayguy) August 29, 2016

4. “I don’t care if you have a doctor degree, a physics degree or a teenager degree; you guys fail in the normal world degree.”

Spanx are like thunder vests for people

— Tamer Kattan (@TamerKattan) August 28, 2016

5. “I don’t care if you have a doctor degree, a physics degree or a teenager degree; you guys fail in the normal world degree.”

Did you guys know about all the YouTube videos of pretty girls tickling each other? My son does.

— Trixie Doyle (@thrillkillsulk) August 28, 2016

6. “I don’t care if you have a doctor degree, a physics degree or a teenager degree; you guys fail in the normal world degree.”

[men standing around open hood of muscle car]

Thanks for meeting me here, guys. I'm just not sure I'm supporting Tina's emotional needs.

— Creed (@novicefather) August 29, 2016

7. “I don’t care if you have a doctor degree, a physics degree or a teenager degree; you guys fail in the normal world degree.”

im fasting today in advance of some barbecue food. thank you for respecting my journey

— matt: lubchansky (@Lubchansky) August 26, 2016

8. “I don’t care if you have a doctor degree, a physics degree or a teenager degree; you guys fail in the normal world degree.”

Mood swings sound sexy.

— Elizabeth Tippet (@eltippy) August 29, 2016

9. “I don’t care if you have a doctor degree, a physics degree or a teenager degree; you guys fail in the normal world degree.”

It's 2016. I'm not going to start drinking regular milk just because some asshat has a problem with public breastfeeding at the beach.

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) August 28, 2016

10. “I don’t care if you have a doctor degree, a physics degree or a teenager degree; you guys fail in the normal world degree.”

Astrology Fun Fact:

No horoscope has ever been inaccurate.

— Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) August 30, 2016

11. “I don’t care if you have a doctor degree, a physics degree or a teenager degree; you guys fail in the normal world degree.”

Clear my schedule! I just said something mildly embarrassing, and I need the whole day to stew about it!

— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) August 29, 2016

12. “I don’t care if you have a doctor degree, a physics degree or a teenager degree; you guys fail in the normal world degree.”

A woman tried to shut the elevator doors on me & then we rode all 12 floors in total silence. Long Way Down. Coming this Fall on NBC.

— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) August 30, 2016

13. “I don’t care if you have a doctor degree, a physics degree or a teenager degree; you guys fail in the normal world degree.”

Anyone know how to bounce back to a post baby body but without having the baby?

— albertina rizzo (@albz) August 29, 2016

14. “I don’t care if you have a doctor degree, a physics degree or a teenager degree; you guys fail in the normal world degree.”

religion is the Blue Apron of spirituality

— Li'l Edie Pentland (@JennyPentland) August 27, 2016

15. “I don’t care if you have a doctor degree, a physics degree or a teenager degree; you guys fail in the normal world degree.”

Can you pass my tote?
…
My satchel, right there!
???
Ugh can you just pass me that bag full of receipts and lip gloss?!

— Marlebean (@Marlebean) August 26, 2016