Family 34
New Daddy Chronicles, Part II: Now the Baby is Home – Year One
(Note: In the most epic example ever of something that could not be more fitting, Part I of this New Daddy series: “Here Comes the Baby” was originally published in May…OF 2015!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHA! So, now my baby is like, 2. She smokes cigarettes and curses and I think she’s dating someone named Danny. From what […]
New Daddy Chronicles, Part I: Here Comes the Baby
You know that old expression, “time flies when you’re suddenly in charge of keeping a screaming, snotting, perpetually eating and shitting bag of adorableness alive because you love it and hey, you’re a parent now, like you even have a choice in the matter”? It’s totally true. The last time I wrote for this site, […]
Mother’s Day Gift Ideas
In early 1970, on a military base in Florida not far from the Atlantic Ocean, I tore my way free of my mother, born with such turbulence that I vowed it would never happen again. Despite our screaming, my father brought my mom and me home, where years and years of unappreciated care and unconditional […]
My Afternoon Spent Assembling NASA’s Mars Elevation Satellite Otherwise Known as the Goddamned Barbie Dream House
In an effort to keep my 2015 selfless public service streak going (other acts have included conserving water by not washing my car since the Autumn solstice and buying 95% of my lazy Daisy Scout’s cookies and then consuming 100% of them), I decided to support my dear friend and hilarious Funny Mom contributor: Jenny McIlroy in her ongoing birth […]
Infant Care Class (aka: A Very Important Saturday That I’ll Never Get Back)
We were supposed to go to a childbirth class a couple of weekends ago. It was going to be an eight-hour affair, all day on a Saturday, and I spent the night before wondering what method of suicide would be the kindest to those who had to deal with the aftermath. Thankfully, our instructor died […]