Expecting Parents 13
New Daddy Chronicles, Part II: Now the Baby is Home – Year One
(Note: In the most epic example ever of something that could not be more fitting, Part I of this New Daddy series: “Here Comes the Baby” was originally published in May…OF 2015!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHA! So, now my baby is like, 2. She smokes cigarettes and curses and I think she’s dating someone named Danny. From what […]
Infant Care Class (aka: A Very Important Saturday That I’ll Never Get Back)
We were supposed to go to a childbirth class a couple of weekends ago. It was going to be an eight-hour affair, all day on a Saturday, and I spent the night before wondering what method of suicide would be the kindest to those who had to deal with the aftermath. Thankfully, our instructor died […]
Expectant Father Mailbag
Well sports fans, we’re at the 34-week mark, a time when—according to an app that actually IS our primary caregiver—my child is “the size of a small watermelon! It can open its creepy alien eyes, its pooping regularly into my wife’s stomach, and it can hear when I scream obscenities at the World Cup match […]
Decisions, Decisions: Tits, Cloth Diapers And The iPhone 6
This is how seemingly innocuous work conversations go when you’re expecting a baby: Coworker (CW): “So do we need both signatures on that request?” Father-to-be (FTB): “Yeah. And they have to have a signature guarantee, too.” CW: “Oh, really? They’re going to have to resubmit it, then. Business words. Blah blah business and whatnot.” FTB: […]
Let’s All Go to Parenting Classes (And Not Kill Ourselves)
When I stop and think about it, I’m honestly a little surprised that I lived past the age of three. Now, this isn’t due to my parents’ negligence or my poor health—they weren’t and it wasn’t—but because they didn’t attend a single, hospital-sanctioned parenting class. In the Dark Ages of Child Birthing (anything before 1981, […]