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Funny Dads 16

 

New Daddy Chronicles, Part II: Now the Baby is Home – Year One

(Note: In the most epic example ever of something that could not be more fitting, Part I of this New Daddy series: “Here Comes the Baby” was originally published in May…OF 2015!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHA! So, now my baby is like, 2. She smokes cigarettes and curses and I think she’s dating someone named Danny. From what […]

August 21, 2016 More
 

New Daddy Chronicles, Part I: Here Comes the Baby

You know that old expression, “time flies when you’re suddenly in charge of keeping a screaming, snotting, perpetually eating and shitting bag of adorableness alive because you love it and hey, you’re a parent now, like you even have a choice in the matter”? It’s totally true. The last time I wrote for this site, […]

May 28, 2015 More
 

Mother’s Day Gift Ideas

In early 1970, on a military base in Florida not far from the Atlantic Ocean, I tore my way free of my mother, born with such turbulence that I vowed it would never happen again. Despite our screaming, my father brought my mom and me home, where years and years of unappreciated care and unconditional […]

May 8, 2015 More
 

Infant Care Class (aka: A Very Important Saturday That I’ll Never Get Back)

We were supposed to go to a childbirth class a couple of weekends ago. It was going to be an eight-hour affair, all day on a Saturday, and I spent the night before wondering what method of suicide would be the kindest to those who had to deal with the aftermath. Thankfully, our instructor died […]

February 13, 2015 More
 

Expectant Father Mailbag

Well sports fans, we’re at the 34-week mark, a time when—according to an app that actually IS our primary caregiver—my child is “the size of a small watermelon! It can open its creepy alien eyes, its pooping regularly into my wife’s stomach, and it can hear when I scream obscenities at the World Cup match […]

July 10, 2014 More
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