Family 21
Happy Motha’s Day
My mom was cleaning my house yesterday (calm down, I pay her in cash) when a wave of nostalgia passed over her after she sprayed oven cleaner. She started blabbing on and on about my childhood while I flipped through a magazine. “The minute you were born you shit all over me and have been […]
What To Expect When You’re Unplugging
We are on Day Eleven of a total video game lockdown at my house. My boys are seven and eight, and my frivolous, totalitarian imposition of this hellish world without iPads, Nintendo DSs, and the computer has destroyed their lives in one fell swoop. They will lose their friends, most definitely die of boredom, fall […]
I Hate Kids
I’m just going to come straight out and say it. I hate kids. I really do. Oh, I like mine – I LOVE mine – and for that I have no real explanation other than I’ve been biologically programmed to (and because they are cute and sweet and smart and perfect in every way). And […]
18 Weeks: Vaginal Discharge and Sweet Potato, Kale, and Sausage Bake with White Cheese Sauce
Pregnancy is magical. When you become pregnant, you unknowingly enter into a world of physical/emotional/spiritual shifts previously unprecedented in your sad, miserable, meaningless existence. Once you become a life-giving precious vessel to the tiny miracle inside of you, everything changes. Your body, no longer your own. Your emotions, foreign even to your sweet husband who […]
Your Baby Name Will Undoubtedly be Flawed
A heralded writer named Wilson Shakespeare once posed the question, “What’s in a name?” It’s a good question, really. Names are important. Being able to name our things and ourselves is truly what separates us from the animals. Well, that and inventing Turbo Tax, because I’d like to see a motherfucking monkey do THAT shit, […]